Meg, 35
I’d spent so many years visualising having sex with a woman
Before Jess, I’d only ever had sex with men. I’d been in a relationship with a man and had two kids with him, but felt completely disconnected from my body during sex – the only way I could orgasm was to shut my eyes and replay lesbian porn. Sex felt like something to get through. With Jess, I felt desire for the first time, instead of being the object of someone else’s.
Her Tinder profile said: “Smilier in real life, only in the area for three weeks.” I’d never kissed a woman before and had blown up my whole life to come out. When we kissed, my knees buckled and she called me Bambi – a nickname that has stuck. I rushed home and masturbated while thinking about her, then immediately told her about it.
I spent the first six months of our relationship getting out of my head and into my body. I’d spent so many years visualising having sex with a woman that I had to learn to orgasm without the internal screen I’d come to rely on. Jess was patient. She can read me from the inside out and knows when I’m stuck in a loop. Once, she noticed my mind drifting and said: “Stick with it.” I came immediately.
As a butch top, Jess gets pleasure from my pleasure and prides herself on taking care of me and the kids. That’s difficult for me to accept sometimes because I’ve always been the one in charge. Part of me feels like I don’t deserve to be taken care of, but handing over control to her is freeing. I love how visibly lesbian we are as a butch-femme couple. Mostly, I love how she talks to my kids – like they’re proper humans whose questions deserve serious answers.
We moved in together recently. Last night, the pressure got to me and I cried during sex. Will we still lose entire mornings in bed to mind-blowing sex when we have real-life stuff to manage? Jess is helping me learn how to relax – in bed, but also to walk away when I need to without feeling guilty.
One of the kids rolled her eyes and said: “Ugh! All you guys do is talk and kiss.” I’m excited to take Jess for granted, to do life together – even the mundane things.
Jess, 35
Meg desires me so openly that it feels liberating
Meg is the woman I’ll be with for ever – I felt that from very early on. But I knew she’d never dated a woman before, and there was a weight to that. I remember thinking: I hope I don’t give her a bad first experience.
I didn’t realise until later that she hadn’t kissed anyone but her husband in 12 years. She was confident and I was nervous, but then with our first kiss, the tables turned – suddenly I was on safe ground.
It was a big deal for Meg, and for me. It wasn’t just about sleeping with a woman – Meg had changed her whole life and there was no going back. She had to learn how to enjoy the entire process of sex, and not just rush to orgasm. Watching her experience desire for the first time was truly incredible. Seeing her discover what she likes and what she was capable of felt like a privilege.
Being a butch top isn’t about control for me. If anything, it’s the opposite. I see it as my job to take care of Meg in every way: practically, emotionally and sexually. I take the bins out, give her reassurance and make her come. But it’s more selfish than it sounds – my pleasure comes from giving Meg pleasure and looking after her, even though she doesn’t need me to.
The move has been stressful, but as a couple we’ve been incredibly steady, so I’m not worried. We’ve got this solid core that comes from being so sure about each other.
I grew up in a small fishing town, and although I’m proudly butch, in my younger years I questioned how conventionally attractive I was. But Meg desires me so openly that it feels liberating. She tells me how much she fancies me, and makes me feel so entirely loved. I never feel like too much.
It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had – and I hope it’s the last.
