Minor revisions to my personal narrative.
When I said church is important to me, it’s because I like to grocery shop early on Sundays.
My degree is from Ronald McDonald Clown College.
I’ve never been to the Basilica Cistern, my favorite vacation is to the National Mustard Museum in Middleton, Wisconsin.
I did not volunteer with the Innocence Project — I was once jailed for defrauding an innkeeper.
I was actually the one choking on a jalapeño popper, and it was the 9 year old who stepped in and administered the Heimlich maneuver on me.
I mentioned I was a night person. To be more exact, I am a recreational user of trial phase veterinary stimulants.
My favorite movie isn’t Casablanca, it’s Dunston Checks In.
I should have said I almost met Martin Lawrence, but I spilled my drink on his head of security and was twisted into a pretzel while his entourage cheered.
I didn’t escape that doomsday cult, I was excommunicated, and I would join again if they let me.
I did not compete in the Badwater 135 Ultramarathon last summer, it was an eggnog chugging contest at Merrill Lexus on Route 119.
When I said I own a new Lexus ES, I should have said one time I ralphed eggnog onto the rear windshield of a new Lexus ES.
I claimed I wanted to have kids, and that was a bald-faced lie, I have no interest in raising children.
I have three children.
And I’m not sure if this was clear, I’ve never been divorced because I’m still married.
