In January, business professor and happiness researcher Arthur C Brooks appeared on the Modern Wisdom podcast to offer advice on optimizing morning and evening routines. His tips seemed reasonable – think exercising early and no alcohol before bed. Then, for couples, he made a kookier suggestion: every night before going to sleep, spend five minutes holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes.
“This is the best thing ever,” he enthuses, explaining that it can help with mood management and to strengthen your relationship.
It sounded odd, but the idea was not entirely new to me. In 2015, the New York Times published an essay by Mandy Len Catron called To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This. The author had read a study about increasing intimacy by asking a series of 36 personal questions, then staring into the other person’s eyes for four minutes. Catron revealed she did the exercise with someone – and fell in love with him.
(When I spoke to Dr Arthur Aron, the author of the study, he noted that the four minutes of staring wasn’t a part of the original research, but part of a footnote.)
The essay went viral, and over the years, I or one of my various dates would reference it. Sometimes we’d ask each other a few of the questions. But I never tried the staring part, which sounded about as appealing as a root canal.
Like me, lots of people are uncomfortable with prolonged eye contact. But why? And how beneficial is it really? I talked to experts, and subjected my husband to the four-minute experiment.
“Eye contact activates the brain’s social and emotional circuitry almost immediately,” says Dr Susan J O’Grady, clinical psychologist and relationship therapist.
O’Grady explains that when we look into another person’s eyes, the areas of the brain involved with emotional recognition and social awareness become active. “Our nervous system quickly shifts into states of arousal,” she says. “Fear, anticipation or excitement.”
Thinking back to Brooks’s suggestion, these don’t strike me as ideal states to enter before nodding off. But it does explain why eye contact can feel overwhelming.
It signals that someone is engaged and listening, says Dr Janet Brito, clinical psychologist, sex therapist and founder of the Sexual Health School. “When partners make eye contact, they often feel seen, valued and more connected,” she explains.
Brito adds that limited eye contact does not necessarily signal disinterest. It can sometimes reflect a need for self-protection, and can be difficult for those with certain mental conditions, a history of betrayal or trauma, or for those from different cultural backgrounds.
But eye contact does not automatically lead to greater closeness. When you gaze at another person’s face, your brain rapidly reads subtle cues and micro-expressions. “Recognition can feel different depending on who we make eye contact with,” says O’Grady. Some of her clients recall certain “looks” from their parents that signalled disapproval or judgment. “For these clients, it may feel safer to look away from another’s direct gaze,” she says.
Still, O’Grady argues, eye contact is increasingly important now that so many of us are glued to our screens.
“Sustained eye contact increases intimacy because it removes distraction,” she says. “It is a luxury to have time to sit and face another with undivided attention.”
For couples in particular, long periods of eye contact can increase closeness because it feels exposing, O’Grady says: “When we can tolerate that vulnerability together, it can strengthen trust.”
To test what the experts say, I make my husband sit on the bed facing me. I set a timer on my phone for four minutes, and we look into each other’s eyes. I explain that Brooks suggests doing this before bed, and remind him how we asked each other a few of the 36 questions on an early date. I also mention that I can see his contacts, and that his eyes really are very pretty.
“Stop talking,” he says.
When I finally stop blabbering, I’m struck by how activated I am feeling. Is my face making a weird expression? Which of his eyes should I look at? Is he bored? Am I bored? I can see my reflection in his pupils, which is fun. Even though I feel entirely safe and comfortable with him, uninterrupted eye contact seems to send my nervous system into overdrive. Eventually, though, I feel myself relax. My muscles un-tense, my breathing slows. When the alarm finally goes off, we both say it went by more quickly than expected.
“I liked that,” he says. “I can see how it would be calming before bed.”
I found the exercise more difficult (I’m sure there’s nothing to unpack there, psychologically), but I can see how it makes couples feel closer. As O’Grady said, it feels like a luxury to share four minutes together without any interruptions. I decide I will make an effort to make sustained eye contact more often. Maybe without a timer, though.
