How to create a friendship out of a “will they or won’t they” relationship
“Why are you buying me lunch?” My friend asked me at my “going away” lunch we were having with a group of mutual friends.
“Because you are probably never going to see me again,” I replied. My tone was sarcastic, but the content of what I saying was serious.
We briefly made eye contact. I rarely made eye contact with her. I didn’t have to. As we got to know each other over time, we were able to read each other’s energy.
I could sense that she knew I meant it. She could see through the sarcasm just like she could see through me. She ended up letting me buy her lunch that day.
“If there is a next time, you can get next time,” I said. She laughed a little. It was the kind of laugh that fills what would otherwise be a slightly uncomfortable space of silence when you don’t want to say anything else.
That’s when I knew that she had also realized it was probably the last time we would see each other face to face. I was about to move out of town and we were growing apart.
We haven’t seen each other since.
At the time, we had been friends for twelve years, but we had been close friends for the last three. By then, people around us were always speculating about our relationship. A few people even thought I was the father of her children. It was like I couldn’t convince them otherwise, even though I had never been to her house and she had never been to my apartment. We not only had a “will they or they” relationship in the eyes of some people around us, but we also had a “did they or didn’t they” relationship in the eyes of others.
They say you often find something you want once you stop looking for it, but they don’t always mention that even though they stop looking, they still continue the journey toward it. I have never stopped looking for love in all its forms, but I have found that when I step back, relax, and stop trying to make any kind of impression outside of who I am, the best people in my life have appeared in it.
That’s how I found Olivia (an alias is being used to protect anonymity).
“How’s Olivia?” My parents still ask from time to time. “Is she still with the same guy?”
“I don’t know,” I usually reply, “I mean, we still text, but it’s mostly memes and jokes.” However, whenever Olivia and I still feel the need to really talk, it happens. Usually over the phone or via a deep text thread. There is never any pressure to communicate more, there have never been any arguments, and there has never been a direct “should we be more than friends” conversation.
I find Olivia attractive, but once we got to know each other, I realized that she was such a great friend, I would never want to jeopardize our friendship.
So what’s the secret then?
Even though Olivia and I have never needed to have a direct conversation about whether we should be more than friends, our secret is that there’s always been an ongoing dialogue about the understanding and mutual respect we have had between us. Sometimes it’s in the form of a joking around (e.g. “I don’t know how you live like that”), sometimes it’s in the form of conversations of how we prefer our relationships and friendships to be (e.g. “that’s a boundary I always set”), and other times it’s direct praise for the relationship we already have and discussion of how that can improve (e.g. “I would never ask you to do that.”)
“Ongoing dialogue” might sound like a lot of work to some men and some women, but the real relationships are always worth it. Olivia and I have always had a way of blending those conversations into our regular everyday kind of interactions.
I call this arrangement “The Mutual Clarity Accord.”
I define The Mutual Clarity Accord as a shared understanding in which both individuals clearly recognize the boundaries and intentions of their relationship, preventing ambiguity or unspoken expectations.
Whenever our relationship is tested, we aren’t afraid to “call each other out” but do so in a respectful way that never threatens the trust we have.
The best friendships I have experienced (whether they are with men or women) are always willing to take the time to check in with each other and discuss ways we can improve the relationship. In other words, the best friendships I’ve had aren’t afraid to put in the kind of work that we normally only reserve for maintaining romantic relationships or family relationships. For men and women to be friends, I believe it does require that extra level of effort. It’s like having another sibling you are close to.
I understand that many people aren’t willing to do that. I have had female friends where I wasn’t able to do that. I have had female friends who disappeared from my life once they found a partner or got married. I have had female friends who weren’t able to do that with me. I am not saying female and male friendships are always possible, but I am saying it is possible and when it does happen, it’s a beautiful thing.
I think mutual clarity is always a beautiful thing.
My grandma on my dad’s side and “step-grandpa” (it was the second marriage for both) were married for over 30 years until my grandma died. They communicated seamlessly in silence. They had a way of telling each other what was exactly on each other’s minds just by looking at each other without saying a word.
Thanks to our mutual clarity accord, Olivia and I have that too.
“You should have lunch with us, we are about to go out,” Olivia’s mom said after meeting me for the first time.
Initially, I wasn’t sure how to respond.
I didn’t want to disappoint Olivia’s mom, but I also didn’t really want to go. I felt a stronger obligation than I otherwise would have because her mom really seemed to like me. But before I could fumble my words and provide one of my trademark awkward responses, I briefly made eye contact with Olivia. She gave me a reassuring look that implied “I don’t want you to go either.”
“I really appreciate it, but I am not going to make it,” I replied casually.
Behind her mom, Olivia smiled and I almost did at first too, but I waited until after they had left.
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