How to End an Engagement, According to a Relationship Expert

Calling off an engagement is never easy. Whether you were with your partner for five years or five months, this was someone you were planning to spend your entire life with. Seeing that your dynamic may not be built to last is a hard realization to come to. Maybe you no longer feel the love for them that you once did—or perhaps planning a wedding together has exposed your deep differences in terms of finances and familial relationships. Regardless of the reason behind your desire to split with your partner, it’s important that you speak to them respectfully and with consideration when you explain your future plans. Unfortunately, unlike organizing your nuptials, there’s no template on how to end an engagement.

Even if you’re 100 percent sure you want to split from your partner, you may still be scared of hurting them or disappointing your family and friends. There are also the logistical challenges of calling off a wedding. In addition to contacting vendors and guests, you may lose some money that you put down as deposits. However, if you’re sure this partnership isn’t right for you, you should absolutely move forward with your decision. It’s better to end things now than to have to go through a divorce down the road.

Here, Erika Kaplan, a matchmaker with Three Day Rule, breaks down how to navigate this tricky and difficult situation. Read on to learn more.

3 Potential Reasons to End Your Engagement

Breaking off an engagement is an extremely personal decision. As a result, it shouldn’t be influenced by any outside parties or opinions. However, if you’re sure that your relationship is over—but need a little more information to reinforce your decision—here are three signs that you and your partner may not be the right match for each other.

Reason One: Unhealthy Communication

According to Kaplan, planning a wedding can often reveal whether or not you and your partner have healthy communication. “This may be one of the first milestones together where you have to truly cooperate and compromise to create an event that represents you two individually and as a couple,” she says. If you’re struggling to come together—or hear each other out—on a number of details, such as the guest list, the location, or even what type of celebration you want to have, that could be a potential red flag, she says.

Reason Two: Different Financial Goals

“Shopping for wedding venues and vendors may give you a very clear picture of if you are on the same page when it comes to money,” Kaplan says. “Do you spend or save? What do you splurge on versus what do you dial it back on? It’s perfectly normal for a couple to have different spending habits, but ultimately, if the finances of wedding planning cause major rifts between you two, it’s worth evaluating where you stand.” Differing views around finances is one of the most common fights between couples. If you and your partner are unable to get on the same page about money, it may be difficult to build a life together in the future.

Reason Three: Familial Relationships

“Family values can make or break a relationship,” Kaplan says. “It’s important that you and your partner are respectful and supportive of each other’s relationship with family, whether close or strained.” This also includes your vision for the future. If one of you wants to have children, but the other doesn’t, that could be a reason to end an engagement.

How to End an Engagement: 3 Steps to Take

Ending any type of partnership is a daunting task—especially when it’s someone who were planning to spend the rest of your life with. However, if you’re confident in your decision to move on, here’s how to break off an engagement with respect.

Step One: Show Compassion

While you may have thought long and hard about this decision, your partner might be taken by surprise by it. Therefore, break the news gently. Make sure to have this conversation in person. Instead of focusing on their flaws and faults, speak about your feelings and the concrete reasons why you don’t think this marriage will last. Kaplan recommends giving your former partner time and space to adjust to this news. “Give your ex access and space to bring closure to things, like your shared home or your mutual friends,” she says.

Step Two: Tell Your Family and Friends

Once you’re in a solid emotional space, figure out a way to break the news to your inner circle. If you ended things amicably, it might be beneficial to tell your family and friends the news with your former partner. “Because your intention was to spend your life together, it’s likely that you two have already built a life together with people important to the both of you,” Kaplan says. “If you are amicable, it might be cathartic to share the news with important people together.” As for your larger network, there’s no need to tell people individually. “You can send a joint announcement in the mail simply stating a change of plans, signed with both of your names,” she says.

Step Three: Only Share What’s Comfortable to You

Remember: No one is ever entitled to know everything about you, and this includes the details of your breakup. Simply put, you only need to share what you feel comfortable saying when speaking to friends and family. “If you don’t feel like sharing the details, you don’t owe anyone your story,” Kaplan says. “The specifics are nobody’s business but your own—but it is good to have a support system of those you both trust, too.”