Dating Advice
A study suggests that continued love for an ex-partner is highly linked to poor self-concept recovery. Let me explain with an example.
If you still have strong feelings for your ex (wanting to be with them, having the urge to call them up), then it’s most likely that you are having difficulty recovering your self-concept — all things that make you up as an individual before the relationship.
As a result, figuring out how to reconnect after a relationship break can also be difficult.
The aforementioned study can come as a surprise to some people. That being said, maybe it’s time to change your approach when it comes to reconnecting with an ex-partner, especially if you strongly feel that the relationship is worth saving.
On-and-off relationships can be toxic and consuming. Could it be that poor self-concept contributes to this breakup pattern? If anything, better knowledge of one’s self helps you become more invested and committed in a relationship.
For sure, you don’t want to get caught up in this exhausting cycle with your partner. You want to get back to building a relationship that lasts.
As such, knowing how to reconnect after a relationship break can be done through a more empirical approach. Hopefully, you can get it right and better this time. After all, we have much to learn in terms of self-knowledge or clarity.
How to Reconnect after a Relationship Break with Your Partner
To quote Albert Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
If you want to give the relationship a second chance, you don’t want to keep repeating the same mistake for the relationship to become stable. And just like any problem-solving method, you achieve this by identifying the mistakes and coming up with a new approach to overcoming any challenges.
Identifying the Reasons for the Breakup
Some of the common reasons for relationship breakups are incompatibility, being in a long-distance relationship, and cheating. While these may be too direct, there are cases where the reason is more deep-rooted.
“There’s a gap in our relationship that needs to be filled.”
“We’re just not compatible. They’re not the problem, it’s me.”
At some point, you generally have an idea as to why you ended things. But you feel like there’s more to it.
It could also be that all your problems have piled up, burying the main issue beyond reach.
Try removing yourself from the situation and seeing things from a third-person point of view. This will allow you to see things as they are and not form any biases.
Sometimes, we turn a blind eye to the truth because it can be hard to accept.
But if you learn to keep an open mind, and not judge yourself or your partner, identifying the main reason for your breakup can be a lot less complicated.
Dispositional Awareness
Studies suggest that there’s a high relevance between self-clarity and maintaining a positive and healthy relationship. It appears that dispositional awareness is one of the things that can help sharpen self-clarity.
But what is dispositional awareness? How can it help rekindle your relationship?
Let’s try to put things into context.
Imagine the last fight you had with your ex. Was there bad-mouthing, shouting, or foul words? You may have had mixed feelings and raging emotions that were too much to handle, which in turn made you decide to end things.
One quality that characterizes dispositional awareness is being able to control one’s emotions and staying non-reactive to distressing situations such as being in a heated argument.
It’s a lot easier said than done. But as human as we are, we are bound to react to distress as part of our natural mechanism or instinct. However, many factors in life contribute to the confusion between being reactive and overreactive.
Distractions and unnecessary information we often come across on social media and in our daily life can create a certain void that makes us go astray as individuals, leading to a series of unfamiliar emotions that can explode at any moment.
Then again, we learn how to manage through practice. After identifying and acknowledging the reasons for your breakup, dispositional awareness or simply being mindful can highly affect reconnection in a lot of positive ways.
For example, you will learn how to communicate better or deal with problems in your relationship in a more mature and proactive way.
Here’s how to practice dispositional awareness when reconnecting after a relationship break:
- Know yourself more by trying new things.
One of the things that dispositional awareness can teach us is having a deeper understanding of ourselves.
Take up a new hobby or get a new look. When you try new things or put yourself in a new environment, it opens up more opportunities for challenges and growth.
Maybe you needed a break to create a better version of yourself. Or both of you needed time to reevaluate things. In any case, examining yourself and your mental process is a great way to start reconnecting after a breakup.
- Analyze your thoughts and emotions.
Aside from trying new things, you can analyze your own thoughts and emotions better by listing them down and making comparisons. Take note of how you observe your feelings and acknowledge them.
For example, if the reason you broke up in the first place is infidelity, you can write down how you feel about it.
What would the situation be had neither of you cheated? What did you learn from it? What will you do to avoid such a thing from happening again?
These are just a few questions you can start with.
- Set limitations and boundaries.
After you’ve written down your thoughts, come up with a list as a blueprint for setting boundaries.
What are the things you must or shouldn’t do? How do you want to start over?
You and your partner can come up with ideas at the same time, or do it by yourself and then openly communicate with your partner what you came up with later on.
Things like how you can make things better this time around, ways you can support each other better, and how to deal with differences in opinions or decisions are some of the most common examples.
- Pay more attention to your partner.
This includes creating a safe space where both of you can have open communication from time to time. Spend more time with each other than you used to. You can set rules and expectations as to the day and time to bond and go out. Be present while you’re together and avoid getting distracted by work or phone notifications.
- Be more curious about each other.
In relation to paying more attention to your partner, one of the things that can bring a spark to the relationship is continually being curious about each other.
Both of you have had some realizations about the breakup for sure. You can ask or discuss them. See to it that it will be a productive and wholesome discussion.
This can be obtained by having mutual openness, respect, and acceptance of what happened in the past.
Or you can ask how things have been going since you two broke up.
Have there been any changes since then? A new exercise routine or change of lifestyle maybe?
There’s a lot to look forward to as you start things over.
One of the most effective ways to reconnect after a relationship break is by detaching yourself from the things you can’t control, like the things that happened in the past.
If you’ve decided that the relationship deserves a second chance, you should look forward and have that as the only direction you’re both going for. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. Instead, it’s a stepping stone to forgiveness and learning opportunities.
Analyzing your feelings and emotions, paying more attention, and letting go are some of the ways wherein you can apply dispositional awareness in reconnecting. Aside from identifying the reason for the breakup and owning up to your mistakes, you need to gain more self-clarity.
Several studies suggest that self-clarity or self-concept clarity has a great impact not only on achieving a positive relationship in one’s life, but also in obtaining high self-esteem and a great sense of purpose and autonomy.
Love Is Sweeter the Second Time Around
Breakups can make or break people. The pain we go through during breakups is a common experience in life that brings out a better version of ourselves.
For some, the pain becomes emotional baggage, like an unbreakable cycle. Whatever life throws at you, know that you deserve a second chance. The same goes for your relationship.
If the relationship comes from a place of love, both partners will commit to respecting each other’s boundaries, accepting limitations, and gaining trust.
Maybe the time off was to prepare you and your partner for a more serious relationship, which will hopefully lead to a lifetime of companionship.
*Originally Appeared in Medellinsingles.com*
