yet why is it so addicting?
our emotional brain tends to work in a very particular manner, oftentimes in ways we don’t fully comprehend.
it took me 22 years to recognize a pattern I had and one that I carried since my very early years in life. throughout my adolescence and previous dating experience, I noticed I was extremely compelled towards the following: inconsistency, uncertainty, and confusion. I noticed that these are traits in a partner we’d expect to push us away but oddly do quite the opposite – they pull us in even closer. something else I picked up on is that this happens to a lot more individuals than I expected. but, why?
so let’s dive into the psychology of it:
1) an innate desire for approval
in our very early years, our brains are extremely malleable and tend to shape our attachment style. oftentimes, people grow in environments where associations are formed between performing and receiving some form of affection, appraisal, or love. associations created at such a young age tend to spill into our adulthood and future relationships. therefore, if you ever felt as though love had to be earned through performance, this kind of inconsistency may be even considered attractive to you. it’s some sort of unintentional conditioning that occurs.
2) variable reinforcement or emotional intermittence
this kind of reinforcement is considered to be one of the most addictive, similar to gambling. variable reinforcement in an inconsistent relationship or romantic dynamic is represented when somebody sometimes gives you attention, then other times does not. your brain begins to perceive this as an unpredictable reward. since your brain can’t put its finger on when exactly you’ll receive attention, validation, or the next burst of dopamine – it will continue lingering around for more.
3) healthy relationships won’t feel as “stimulating”
if you were conditioned to associate love with chaos or became accustomed to instability and intensity, healthy or safe relationships won’t feel as satisfying. in the push-pull cycle of an unhealthy relationship, intensity can oftentimes be disguised as passion and for that reason, the tranquility in a reciprocal and consistent relationship can be perceived as “boring”.
we can accidentally confuse that adrenaline (from arguing, desire, jealousy, uncertainty) with profoundness and love. when in reality, we’re feeling a combination of anxiety and dopamine and overall just stuck in a chemical loop. since the sensation of safety doesn’t provide the same level of emotional intensity and psychological stress/stimulation, the brain must emotionally re-adapt to it and change its perception around it.
4) your brain becomes chemically conditioned and addicted:
within the inconsistent dynamic, dopamine and cortisol play a huge role. the anticipation of approval and unpredictability of someone’s behavior triggers a dopamine response stronger than a consistent reward. this rush of pleasure and motivation comes in once that person appears, then becomes a stress response once they withdraw. once the emotional distance is created, the brain perceives it as a threat and triggers the stress response thus producing cortisol. once that person appears again, dopamine strikes once again and temporarily reduces that cortisol – giving you that euphoric and pleasurable sense of relief.
in other words: your body literally gets chemically conditioned to the push – pull cycle.
what this looks like= stress (cortisol) → reward (dopamine) → calm → repeat
overall, I believe these are things in which are engrained into our beliefs and into the way we perceive attachment and connection from our very early years in life. if you ever experienced this as well, I’d like to reassure that it’s completely possible to unlearn certain misconceptions about what passion or love “should” feel like. our brains can learn and intake new information just as efficiently as it can discard and reframe old information. as a woman in my early 20’s, I feel like I’ve had the chance to dig at these unhealthy misconceptions of mine and realize what I’d like to change about them so I can handle my current or future romantic relationships in a different manner. I hope this provided some insight or helped in some sort in you’ve ever seen yourself in this kind of dynamic <3
