i knew it from the beginning
from the way we met
i sat at the table too scared to turn my head towards you
while you tried to look into every detail on my face
from the first look in your eyes, calm and gentle, confident
i felt it in your smile
in your yellow jacket on my shoulders
in your soft hands around mine
sweet compliments, every cup of coffee
even in the topics you chose to talk about
life and universe, stars, the moon and to my surprise even god
silly jokes, every little laugh
and every soft goodbye that sounded like its gonna be the last
until one of them was little different
it was radiating from every touch we shared
every walk we had
every night we spent between your bedsheets
actually it was all i thought about
the end that’s gonna come no matter how hard i try to change the final chapter of our story
it was already written for us, in bold letters and one lonely dot in the end
i knew it from the beginning
felt it in my every bone
the truth was running through my veins
in every breath too heavy filled with hope
that maybe
if i kiss you long enough
hold you close enough
give up piece of me that is big enough
youll stay
that you’ll learn to love
because i was ready to wait
was i too quiet
too easy or too hard to understand
less that you hoped for
not interesting to be with
did i undress not fast enough
didn’t laugh loud enough
didn’t play along well enough
sorry i’m not the best actor
didn’t try hard enough to mold myself into something you would like
something that will fit into your life like a piece of a puzzle
i was blinded but you chose to ignore by closing your eyes
how could you not see that next to you i felt the sense of piece
that made me enjoy the silence in casual nights
made me listen to our heartbeats instead of searching for the words to fill up empty spaces, to prove that i can fit in right
because i didn’t want to ruin the moment
didn’t want to push you towards something you wont like
so i just stayed in silence
let myself believe that you can be mine
even if its only for the darkest nights
i just stared into your hazel eyes in hope
that maybe you can read my mind
and recognize that it’s too late to help
too late to change the outcome, to take back all the sweet lies of yours
decision has been made
and my heart chose yours
i wish i could delete you, erase you as easily as a words from paper
take you off my skin, wash you off with water
without hesitation and trembling hands
without a second thought
but how could i
you’ll stay somewhere deep in my thoughts
with million what ifs and million whys
because even when i felt like im yours you were never mine
and i knew it from the beginning yet i still had so much hope — i tried
