Nothing splits up a friend group quite like internal beef—which is why when two people stop talking to each other, it puts the rest of the crew in a tough, lose-lose situation. Stay neutral? You risk seeming fake or “disloyal.” Pick a side? That might just fracture the group further. So how are you supposed to decide what to do without stirring up any drama yourself?
“Growing up, a lot of us were meant to believe that if your friend doesn’t like someone, you shouldn’t like them either,” Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF. But realistically, adult friendships are much more nuanced. Sure, there are times when “choosing a side” may make sense, like if one person did something egregiously hurtful or unforgivable (they slept with the other person’s partner, say, or made a blatantly racist or sexist remark). But most platonic fallouts aren’t so black-and-white—and don’t require theatrical loyalty wars, as seen in reality TV shows like Selling Sunset and most recently the new season of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
Just because the whole crew doesn’t have to split into two teams doesn’t mean it’s easy to navigate when two friends are on the rocks. Here’s how to support one (or both) pals while keeping the group chat civil.
1. First, assess how much each friendship means to you.
Before deciding how to handle this friend group drama, you should first ask yourself, Do all of these relationships feel equally important to me? Because while you definitely don’t have to choose sides, you might want to if it means honoring a close pal’s feelings.
“A lot of it depends on the friendship constellation,” Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community, tells SELF. Meaning, it’s understandable if you’re inclined to prioritize your childhood bestie over the new pal who hurt her or feel fed up with the snarky gossip who’s always stirring the pot.
That said, don’t go full Mean Girls. “Loyalty is important, but not at the expense of kindness and respect,” Barbie Atkinson, LPC, founder of Catalyst Counseling in Houston, tells SELF. So resist icing anyone out or intentionally excluding them. Depending on the situation, you can still be cordial or see them occasionally, though it’s best to be transparent, Dr. Bradford adds. For example, “Hey, I just ran into Taylor and we caught up a bit. I wanted to let you know so it doesn’t feel shady.”
2. Don’t rush a reconciliation just to ease your own discomfort.
It would be nice to push everyone together for a group hug. But forcing people to make up—especially before they’re ready—can be counterproductive and even dismissive of what happened, Atkinson explains.
Instead, she suggests checking in with each person individually (in other words, not putting them on the spot in the group chat) to see if they’re even open to working things out. (Maybe they are up for a heart-to-heart down the line, but right now they need time and space.) What’s key, however, is bringing up the idea of reconnecting in a respectful, not-pushy way like, “Would you feel better talking to them eventually, or would you prefer not having this person in your life?” Then, most importantly, accept if their answer to a possible make-up sesh is no (in which case, the other tips below may come in handy).
3. Validate their frustration without joining in on the gossip.
You may want to support both parties in theory. But staying neutral is a lot harder in practice, especially when one friend starts bad-mouthing the other—and expects you to “prove” your loyalty by joining in.
