If you saw me at a work meeting, out with friends, or honestly anywhere in the wild, I almost always have my arms crossed. With that being my default stance, you would think I’m a miserable person with a bad attitude. But that is far from the truth (most of the time).
I’m crossing my arms for two reasons: 1) I’m probably cold, and 2) it feels like I’m giving myself a hug, and it feels comforting.
As it turns out, crossed arms is the most commonly misunderstood body language sign, according to experts.
“Most of the time, body language reading is quite accurate; we have to remember it’s only a part of the communication, like tone, choice of words, or, in some cases, touch,” as Stephanie Pappas, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost.
According to Pappas, our reason for judging a person for their body language is evolutionary. Body language was the prominent form of communication and a major survival skill for our ancestors thousands of years ago, she explains. “We were wired to be attuned to those in our tribe, or potential threats, by the way they moved and expressed themselves around us.”
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So while we don’t have to rely as much on body language for communication, our brains might still read body language and create a story.
Turns out, crossed arms aren’t the only thing people are getting wrong. Here’s what experts say about the most overlooked body language signs.
Here’s what crossed arms actually mean…
While people read crossed arms as being closed off or rude, it’s actually a self-soothing technique for most people, says Pappas. “It’s so easy to cross your arms when you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed as a way to try to regulate yourself.”
“The biggest mistake is that we judge too quickly,” Linda Clemons, body language expert and author of “HUSH: How to Radiate Power and Confidence Without Saying a Word” told HuffPost. “Say my arms are crossed. You think, ‘this person is cold, closed off’ and you walk away. Two seconds later, I reach for my sweater. I was literally cold!”
“But you weren’t there to see it, because you judged so quickly.”
In other words, my reasons for crossing my arms are totally valid. And so are yours.
It’s not just crossed arms — people are frequently confused by these body language signs, too.
While Pappas and Clemons agree that crossed arms is the top confusing body language sign, eye contact and even smiles leave a lot of room for interpretation.
“Often, eye contact is given a lot of weight for being the signal that shows attention and respect for the other person,” Pappas said. However, reasons for not maintaining eye contact can go beyond rudeness or indifference. For example, in some cultures, it’s considered disrespectful to make eye contact; some people who are neurodivergent also have difficulty making eye contact because it feels overwhelming or uncomfortable.
Another confusing body language is the smile, according to Clemons. Sometimes people give what Clemon called “a pageant smile,” (AKA a fake smile) because they feel they should be acting like they’re happy.
“People who are truly happy for you, their cheeks will be elevated, and their eyes will be wide,” Clemons said. But with pageant smiles, they’re only using the muscles in their lower faces.
This is how to get better at reading body language cues.
Body language is only a piece of the communication puzzle, says Pappas. “It needs to be taken into consideration with context in order to create as much accuracy as possible.” Here are some tips to better read body language.
Understand Baseline Behavior
If you know someone closely, you’ll get a full picture of their mood, personality, and communication style, otherwise known as baseline behavior, Pappas notes. For example. Say you have a friend who often uses their hands when telling stories, suddenly puts their hands on their lap; That may mean a shift in their emotions or mood.
Understanding the person’s baseline was necessary to interpret their non-verbal cues in that context, adds Clemons. “Say we’re at a funeral, we’re paying our respects. Everyone’s expression is very somber, but one person is smiling,” she describes. “It’s the wrong non-verbal cue for this context, so you probably think something is very off with this person. But then maybe someone tells you this person always smiles when they are nervous, or overwhelmed.”
Knowing a person’s reactions to situations can offer better clarity on how to proceed, too.
Look At Behaviors In Clusters
Another thing to pay attention to is to look at behavior in clusters, according to Clemons. “If the arms are crossed, the tone of voice is dismissive, and the person’s shoulders or feet are turned away, it’s more likely that they really don’t want to be talking to you.”
Congruency is also key, she adds. The words people speak should match their tone and body language. “If I say to my spouse, ‘I want to make this marriage work,’ but I fold my arms and my tone of voice is not congruent with my words, I may be headed out the door,” Clemons said.
Understand Intuition Versus Anxiety
One of the best things you can do when reading body language is learning to distinguish between intuition and anxiety, says Pappas. When you’re overly focused on analyzing someone’s signals, you can drop out of the parts of the brain that help connect and communicate (and spiral into anxious storytelling instead).
“Anxiety might tell you, ‘Look at the way they’re standing there, they’re so angry with you, what did you do now?’” Pappas explained. “Whereas intuition is usually an unconscious, nonjudgmental piece of information that helps you make productive decisions.”
In other words, anxiety builds a dramatic narrative while intuition delivers a quiet, neutral signal. The latter is worth listening to, especially in situations where safety is a concern. “Paying attention to your gut feeling, especially in a situation where safety may be a concern, is a skill that our bodies have honed to keep us alive,” Pappas said.
