I opened my chats today expecting absolutely nothing (as per usual, because who even texts me anymore lol) and suddenly….boom. “Hey, we’re doing a group picture, you have to come.” Why did my entire body react like I just got summoned to war. I’m not even exaggerating when I say my stomach dropped. Like physically uneasy-slightly nauseous-fight-or-flight kicking in over… a picture. A PICTURE. Girl be so ffr. And it’s not even just the act of showing up, it’s everything that comes with it like getting ready and looking presentable and socialising like a normal human being after I’ve been living like a literal cave creature for the past few weeks (months? who’s counting at this point). Also… a permanent record??? A PHOTO??? As in something that will exist… forever??? Yeah no, my soul almost left my body.
But then I sat there like… why am I reacting like this? Why am I THIS stressed over something so minor? And oh. Oh. It hit me. My ex is probably going to be there. And his friends. And suddenly my brain just went absolutely feral. “What if they see me and judge me?” “What if I look bad?” “What if they compare me to other girls there?” “What if — ”
WHAT IF WHAT??? WHO ASKED???
The craziest part is I have ZERO proof that any of this would even happen. Like genuinely none. These people could not care less about my existence and yet my brain has constructed this whole cinematic universe where I’m the main character being analysed under a microscope. I hate it here. And then it spiralled even further (because of course it did).
I started thinking about how this is EXACTLY how I feel every time I open social media now. Every post I see, every story, every random girl…my immediate thought is “Would he see this?” “Does he know her?” “What would he think of this?” “What would he think of me compared to this?” Like hello??? Why is this man still living in my head rent free when I’ve literally BLOCKED him everywhere???
Actually, correction. Everywhere except Discord. Yeah. Don’t even look at me. Because WHY is that the one place I didn’t block him, and WHY have I been checking his activity like it’s my full-time job??? It’s been what, 3–4 months since things ended and I’m still here refreshing like “hmm… he’s online… interesting… very interesting…” Girl you are not an FBI agent there is no investigation, pack it up.
And the worst part is…I KNOW this is messing me up. Like genuinely ruining my mood, my peace, my ability to function like a normal person. I’ll tell myself “okay stop, this is the last time” and then a few hours later I’m back on it again like a clown. Rinse and repeat. I actually did quit social media for like 10 months last year (which is still insane to me???) but back then I had classes, I saw people daily, I had distractions.
but now I barely see anyone. So the FOMO??? DIABOLICAL. Absolutely unbearable. It got so bad that I came back to social media a few months ago just to feel something, and now I’m here feeling EVERYTHING all at once and hating every second of it. I’m not even myself on there anymore. Everything feels performative. Everything feels like it’s being filtered through this invisible lens of “what would he think?” And I’m so tired. Like actually exhausted.
So today, after spiralling since morning like a true overthinker, I was already lowkey contemplating quitting again. And then…this is going to sound so cliché…but I got a random YouTube video recommended about someone talking about being off social media for a long time. And I watched it. And I LOVED it.
And it felt like a sign from the universe or whatever higher power is watching me embarrass myself daily. So I did it. I’m consciously choosing to stop. No more stalking. No more checking. No more “just one quick look”. Because let’s be honest, it’s never just one. The first few hours??? HELL. Actual hell. The FOMO is so loud. My brain keeps going “What if something happens and you don’t know?” “What if he tries to reach out?” “What if-”ESPECIALLY that last one. Because for the first time ever, I’ve blocked him everywhere. So now there’s this added layer of “What if he DID try to contact me and I’ll never know?” That thought alone is enough to send me into a spiral. But also… If he really wanted to reach me, he would, right? (See, I’m trying to be rational. Growth??? Maybe???) I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. Constantly anxious, constantly comparing, constantly stuck in this loop.
I miss the version of me that didn’t care this much. The version of me that just… existed. So yeah. We’re calling this an experiment. No stalking and social media spirals…. only me trying to get my brain back. It’s only been a few hours and I’m already DREADING tonight because I know I’m going to be lying in bed fighting every urge to check.
But you know what. Let’s see how far I can go. I can be emotionally resilient. I can find better friends. I can rebuild myself without constantly looking over my shoulder. Right???…right. Anyways, wish me luck.
I’m going to need it.
