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“When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive—to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” ~Marcus Aurelius
Gratitude.
It used to be a very triggering concept for me, and sometimes it still is.
It’s been a process to unravel what it means to me and to be okay with days where I am in active trauma or grief, when I feel there is nothing to be grateful for. It’s okay to be in those places.
Gratitude is but one of the plethora of tools I’ve used to shift my perspective on my circumstances (when I am able to) and feel a little better—and it’s one of the things that’s kept me alive.
Statistically, I shouldn’t be here. Not only alive, but healthy and safe.
You know the ACEs (adverse childhood experiences) test? Yeah, well, I aced (pun intended) that test. Ten out of ten, which gives me the prize of… a significantly higher chance of mental, physical, and behavioral health problems and a lower life expectancy.
My whole childhood was a tornado of chaos. I had parents who were severely addicted to crack. was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. Drug dealers were in and out of the apartment. Children’s Aid workers stopping by for visits was a common occurrence.
I didn’t know if I was going to come home from school, little nine-year-old me, and find my parents dead from an overdose. Sometimes they didn’t leave their room for days, which left me full of anxiety that felt like a heavy rock in my stomach.
Family and friends either ended up in jail, on the streets, in addiction, or dead way before their time.
Sometimes we got evicted, and sometimes I didn’t have food to eat, so I would stash packets of oatmeal in my room for emergencies. Like I said, chaos. Maybe you can relate?
This is where gratitude came into the picture. It seems like there would be nothing to be grateful about in the midst of this nightmare I was living in, right? Well, call it delusional optimism, call it whatever, but I found things to be grateful for.
Oh, I had a teacher say that they believed in me? Grateful. Oh, I got lunch today and dinner? Grateful. Mum and dad are alive today? Grateful. I didn’t get beaten today; I’m grateful.
You see, I firmly believe that surviving my childhood gave me a super-powered sense of gratitude that I carry with me today. And I believe this exists in all of us, but sometimes we cannot access it, and that’s okay. When we can, though, it can be a beautiful thing.
I am so grateful sometimes, I can hardly stand it, and I cry happy tears. I am living in my own safe home, where I can go into the kitchen and get what I want to eat without fear of being beaten? Wow. It doesn’t even have to be tied to trauma or grief either, this feeling of gratitude. You mean I can turn on the tap and get clean water on demand? Grateful.
I have all my limbs. I can see. I can write. I can read. I have a smartphone. I can drive. Grateful.
Sometimes, if we stop for a second and think about things that we are grateful for, if we are able to, it can literally change our brain. The more we think about things we are grateful for, the more we start to notice and see things to be thankful for. It becomes our default programming.
Please hear me here. I’m not suggesting that we pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows. (But when is the last time you noticed and appreciated a rainbow?) We are all hurting. Things happen, bad things.
Sexual abuse survivors, hi, how are you? I see you. Domestic violence survivors, hi, nice to meet you. I hear you. I’m with you.
Life is flippin’ hard, and if anyone gets that, I do. I have a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder that is a lifelong friend I’ve had to learn to accept. Some days I feel like throwing gratitude out of my window.
But I know it makes a huge difference in my mental state, so I keep working at it.
Here are some practical steps and lessons I’ve learned from gratitude. Please don’t take these as things that must be followed or judge yourself on the gratitude scale. If these things aren’t accessible to you, that is okay.
Starting (and ending) your day with gratitude is powerful.
Starting your day with gratitude has the ability to color the rest of your day in a positive light. This doesn’t have to be a complicated time-consuming ritual; one second when you open your eyes in the morning is all you need. You can spare one second just for you; you deserve that.
To keep it super simple, just think of one thing that you’re grateful for—anything. It sounds cliche, but how about the fact that you were able to open your eyes and see? If you can write it down, even better, which is my next tip.
Write it down.
If you are able to start writing down things that you are grateful for, try it. Writing things down allows you to keep track, go back and look at, and remember all the big and little things that you are grateful for. You can carry a little notebook around, keep one beside your bed, or jot things down in your phone—whatever is most accessible for you.
Have fun with it.
Be silly and imaginative with the things that you are grateful for; the little kid inside will thank you. You get to watch a cartoon or read a book that brought you joy when you were a kid? That can be a moment of gratitude. You do a little happy dance while you’re brushing your teeth just because you can move your body? That can be another one. It can be anything.
Be gentle with yourself on hard days.
Some days are difficult, and all we have enough energy for is to barely survive the day. Some days even the word “gratitude” can be overwhelming, never mind thinking of things to be grateful for. That’s okay. Let yourself feel whatever feelings you are feeling and try to be gentle with yourself. That’s enough, my friends.
The beautiful thing about finding things to be grateful for is that the more you practice, the more it can become a habit and a game, and the easier it might become. You might begin to look at situations in your life differently.
If you are in a difficult situation or season right now, whether you’re dealing with abuse, grief, divorce, loss, health problems, or just regular ol’ life getting you down, I want you to know that I see you and I get how hard this is. I’ve been there, and I will be there again.
If you are able to access gratitude, it can be a supportive tool. If you can’t access it, that is okay. Please hear me: if you do not or cannot feel grateful, there is nothing wrong with you, and you are not doing healing wrong.
Here are three things I am grateful for today.
I am grateful for having the ability to write this message to you, my heated blanket, and the hummingbirds playing outside my window. Your turn—if you’re able and it’s accessible to you, please leave some things you’re grateful for in the comments below. I’d love to hear them.
Take good care, you beautiful humans.
About Jade Dorrington
Jade Dorrington is a writer living on the land of the Lekwungen speaking peoples, also known as Victoria, British Columbia. He has an unquenchable curiosity about the world, and always has a book on the go. When he is not writing, he enjoys being outside, travelling to new places, and moving his body in ways that bring him joy.
