Rupert, 36
We’ve been trying the ‘sex first’ rule when you go out on a date, because you don’t really feel like sex after dinner and a glass of wine
Eva and I have been together for four years, but we lived in different countries for two of those years, seeing each other every other weekend. When you only have 72 hours to play with, you make it count. We had a lot of really intense and good sex.
When you’re long-distance, sex happens way more naturally. But when you’re living together you have to actively create the space for it. These days we put time in the diary to have sex. It doesn’t have to lead to anything, but it makes space for intimacy.
When we’re having a busy week and there’s no time to get romantic, Eva wants to do morning sex where we just spoon. I get that it’s for the intimacy, but I really enjoy seeing her wanting me, which obviously doesn’t happen in that scenario.
What we have been trying is the “sex first” rule, which I came across in an article. The idea is that you have sex before you go out for a date, because you don’t really feel like sex if you have dinner and a glass of wine; you’re full, you’re tired. After sex, there are so many positive hormones and so much stress relief. Good sex is a cure for a lot of things, so why not start a date feeling good?
We have sex between one and three times a week. It has reduced over time, but that’s OK – I think that’s normal. And we’ve been through phases of exploration, which have been fun and interesting. Eva likes to be restricted, so we played with tying her hands back for a while. She wanted to be really submissive, so we tried that too.
We have a big mirror that Eva uses for dressing up, and I recently moved it next to the bed. I think that is something most people should try, because when you have sex you’re so close to each other that you’re not actually seeing it. It adds a new layer, which is important, because if you do something 1,000 times it becomes normal at some point – that applies to sex, too. Everything that is normal loses some of the curiosity, so we make sure to keep exploring each other.
Eva, 31
Even if he was on a night shift, I’d sneak into his workplace and we’d have sex there
I had a lot of shame around sex growing up. I found the lack of sex education combined with the toxic British public schoolboy attitude towards women quite damaging. Lots of boys I was at school with pretended to their friends they’d had sex with me. There were a lot of rumours about my sex life that weren’t true. And I was actually very inexperienced and uncomfortable with sex. I wouldn’t say I really started to enjoy it until my mid-20s, when I was in love with my then boyfriend. Meeting Rupert changed the game completely. It’s hands down the most I’ve ever enjoyed sex.
When we got together we didn’t live in the same country, so it was all a bit of a fantasy. I started to want to do stuff, such as blowjobs, that I hadn’t for a long time. We were texting and it became more and more romantic and erotic, which gave me the freedom to explore my imagination. When we finally connected in person, it was uncontrollable.
We’ve been together for four years now, married for 18 months, and we’re still very tactile. But the amount we have sex and the way we have sex have changed over time. When we were long-distance, we would have sex as much as we could. Even if he was on a night shift, I’d sneak into his workplace and we’d have sex there. Now we live together and have sex on average three times a week.
It’s less impulsive, and initially that was difficult for me, but he gave me an analogy which really helped: you should exercise relationships, making sure you’re regularly naked together and giving each other pleasure, in the same way you need to exercise your body. I’ve found that approach means we’re much more intentional and we explore more. It’s less spontaneous, but I think we’re more adventurous with the sex we have. I’ve discovered a new animalistic side to me.
