In 2015, I moved to Sydney from north Wales in the UK. Sydney had always been my dream destination, but then the Australian immigration rules changed, meaning that to get permanent residency with my skillset as a barber, I’d have to move to Tasmania or the Northern Territory. I decided on Darwin because I feared the weather in Tasmania was too much like British weather. So in 2018, I packed my bags and moved to Darwin without knowing anything about the city.
Ben and I first chatted on Grindr and he was very welcoming, offering to show me around town. He was also very interested in my story – how did this Welsh boy end up living here? He asked if I was going to Darwin Pride.
He said he’d be at a Pride pool party event in a few days, but he didn’t mention he was hosting the event as his drag queen persona Miss Ellaneous. So when I turned up I was like, “Oh my god.”
She was running and dancing around the pool, then threw herself in the water in full drag. She also invited me backstage where I saw all her costumes. I was swept up by it all.
In between performances we spent the entire day together. I’d watch Miss Ellaneous command a crowd with humour, confidence and generosity, and off stage we talked, laughed and connected in a way that felt effortless. There was an undeniable energy between us. I remember the other performers looking at me and saying: “Where did you come from? You make such a cute couple.” We were like: “No, we’re not dating.”
What I hadn’t realised was that Ben was “a bit famous” and always travelling, doing shows. So despite our initial connection the idea of anything romantic felt impossible.
When Covid hit, it grounded us both in Darwin. Suddenly, Ben was home a lot more, and we started spending more time together. At some point he invited me away for a weekend in Dundee. We stayed in a little villa with a jacuzzi and no phone signal. On the second night, we sat outside on the veranda playing Scrabble. I felt really at ease – we’d had such a beautiful afternoon together. Then without any grand gesture or dramatic moment, it hit me. I felt safe. I felt seen. I felt deeply listened to, without judgment. The connection was unmistakable. I was in love.
So much has happened since then. I lost my business in Darwin when a fire went through my shop. In 2022 Ben moved to Sydney to work on WorldPride; I felt a bit lost in Darwin so I followed him.
We got married in Sydney in 2022 – just me, Ben and two witnesses. We knew we were never going to get all our friends and family together in one place, so we did three separate celebrations over a year in Darwin, Sydney, and our final “festival of love” on our first anniversary in Liverpool in the UK.
We moved to Brunswick Heads in northern New South Wales last February. It felt like the right move for our quality of life, mental health and careers. I found a new job as a self-employed barber. Ben is still away a lot, but there are two domestic airports nearby. It sounds cheesy, but I keep falling more and more in love with him.
Ben is a First Nations man with cultural ties to Malak Malak, Kungarakan, Muran Clan (Iwaidja) and Torres Strait Islands (Badu Island). I love learning about his culture and history and I think he enjoys hearing about my Welsh identity. We’re not from the same place, but that’s a blessing. It adds another dimension to our relationship. Ben really puts his neck on the line to create space and opportunity for other Indigenous people, and carries a lot of weight and responsibility for his community.
When it comes to Ben, I feel as if I’ve won the lottery. He’s the most kind, generous, loving, driven, calm and loyal person I’ve ever met. I love the life we have created together, especially when I get to travel and help Ben with his drag shows, whether he’s performing as Tina, Bogan Villea or Miss Ellaneous – she gets around! I am a very proud husband and it fills my heart seeing him achieve so much.
Ben Graetz performs his show Tina: A tropical love story at the Round Theatre in Melbourne as part of the Midsumma festival, on 6 February
