Breakups hurt in a way that feels almost primal — like something is being ripped out of our chest, not gently returned to the shelf it came from.
And let’s be honest: most of that pain isn’t about love. It’s ego. It’s the part of us that whispers, “How dare they not choose me?” It’s the sting of rejection, abandonment, comparison, and all those stories we’ve been carrying since childhood.
We rarely cry because the connection ended.
We cry because the version of ourselves we got to be in that connection is suddenly gone.
If it really ended, it probably was never meant to stay. People love to romanticize “forever.” But not everyone is meant to walk with us long-term. Many relationships are assignments. Lessons. Initiations.
Sometimes the connection isn’t love — it’s attachment wearing love’s clothing. It’s two people unconsciously trading needs:
“You make me feel worthy.”
“You make me feel seen.”
“You make me feel safe.”
Then we call it destiny.
But if it truly aligned with your highest path, it wouldn’t fall apart. Real alignment sustains itself. What ends has already served its purpose. Most breakup pain isn’t about the person. When someone leaves, it often feels like they took pieces of us with them:
- the validation
- the attention
- the identity
- the feeling of being “enough”
Suddenly your sense of safety, belonging, and worthiness evaporates with their presence.
That’s why it feels unbearable. Not because they left… but because your access to a certain emotional state left with them. The grief isn’t about losing them. It’s about losing who you got to be when they chose you. And that’s the part we need to reclaim.
How to move through this (without texting them at 3 am)
This isn’t about healing gracefully. This is about going through the fire consciously and coming out forged — not broken.
STEP 1: Feel it fully
Don’t suppress. Don’t bypass. Don’t spiritualize your way out of the pain. Cry. Scream. Journal. Burn old letters. Rip photos. Block their number if you need to. But do not reach out. No contact is not a punishment — it’s self-respect. You cannot heal while reopening the wound.
STEP 2: Extract the lessons
Journal honestly:
- What did this relationship teach me?
- What did it mirror to me about myself?
- What old wounds did it activate?
- How did I show up that I’m proud of?
- How did I abandon myself?
Every relationship is a teacher. Don’t leave the classroom without taking notes.
STEP 3: Ask why you entered it in the first place
This is the shadow work most people avoid.
- What fundamental need was I trying to fill?
- Did this person give me a sense of identity?
- Did I rely on them to feel loved, seen, or valuable?
- What part of myself did I outsource to this relationship?
Because if the breakup destroyed your sense of self, that means you never felt like that on your own. And that’s the real assignment.
The Reframe
What if the universe pulled that person away because it’s time for you to become the version of yourself you only allowed to exist in their presence?
What if the breakup is not the ending…
but the initiation into becoming whole without external permission?
You don’t need someone to choose you to feel enough.
You don’t need someone to stay to feel worthy.
You don’t need a relationship to access the highest version of yourself.
You just need to remember who you are when no one is validating you.
