What Is Limerence? Learn the Meaning, Causes, and Stages

Have you ever felt consumed by your feelings for another person? We’re not talking about an innocent crush, where you occasionally daydream about the object of your affection or feel giddy in their presence. We also aren’t referring to the natural progression of a romantic relationship, or that euphoric feeling of falling in love with your partner. Instead, we’re discussing an intense emotional and cognitive experience where you feel compelled to be with that particular individual—so much so that you have intrusive thoughts about them, ones that inhibit daily functioning. Sound familiar? This state of mind is called limerence.

Limerence has become a popular topic on the internet—one that has many people questioning if they’re falling in limerence, not love, and wondering how the concepts differ. While this emotional state might feel similar to love, in that both situations involve a palpable spark and intense romantic feelings, they’re entirely different. Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that entails all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. Unlike love, this psychological state can function as an involuntary escape from emotionally challenging situations, like childhood trauma, or it can pop up when you’re running low on serotonin, sleep, or energy. “You fantasize that someone else could save you and crystallize those thoughts into a golden image of ‘the one,’” explains psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie.

While it may feel like ecstasy, limerence can be an automatic defense mechanism that helps an individual safeguard their emotions. “The person feels safe to fantasize about because, most likely, nothing will happen, and the infatuated person is not in a grounded enough place to receive a real relationship,” Mackenzie says. “It can be a state of being that allows fantasies without a real threat of intimacy.”

If you want to learn more about the meaning of limerence and how it differs from love, we asked Mackenzie and licensed psychotherapist Dr. Margo Lewis-Jah to unpack this psychological state. Keep scrolling for everything to know about limerence.

What Is Limerence?

Limerence is a psychological state that’s characterized by an all-consuming romantic attachment to and involuntary obsession with another person—whether that be someone you’re in a relationship with, someone you’ve met a handful of times, or a complete stranger (like a celebrity). Because this state of mind (which psychologist Dorothy Tennov developed in the 1970s) is obsessive and often one-sided, the main focus that’s driving the behavior is a strong desire to alleviate uncertainty over whether the object of your affection reciprocates your feelings. This can cause the person in limerence to have intrusive thoughts about how the other feels and delusions about being with them. “The desire can become so strong that it leads to obsessive thinking, making it hard to focus on anything else,” Lewis-Jah says.

Being infatuated with another person can cause a great deal of distress and can significantly interfere with daily functioning. According to Lewis-Jah, those in limerence experience an emotional rollercoaster, filled with ups and downs that impede their wellbeing. “The constant highs and lows can lead to increased anxiety, stress, and feelings of inadequacy, especially if the desired affection remains unreturned,” she says. Mackenzie adds that this intense emotional experience can result in sleep loss, appetite changes, and even risky behaviors.

The Difference Between Limerence and Love

Now that you have a better understanding of what limerence entails, you might be wondering how this phenomenon differs from love. Limerence and the initial stages of falling in love can look and feel similar, but they are two distinct emotional experiences. Below, we break down the similarities and differences between limerence and love.

Similarities Between Limerence and Love

The problem with the whole limerence-versus-love conundrum is simple: The two look strikingly similar. As you’re falling in limerence with someone, you might even think they’re “the one.” Here are a couple of ways that falling in limerence and falling in love are similar:

• Strong Emotions: Both concepts can lead to feelings of excitement and happiness.
• Physical Attraction: Those in limerence and in love are physically attracted to the other person.
• Emotional Investment: Individuals in limerence and in love are emotionally invested in the other person and greatly care about their life and wellbeing.
• Preoccupation: In both cases, the individual’s thoughts revolve around the other.
• Idealization: People in limerence and those in the early stages of falling in love tend to idealize the object of their affection and overlook their flaws.

Differences Between Limerence and Love

Although these two concepts do have some similarities, they are fundamentally different. The main difference between falling in limerence and in love? Love requires a real, meaningful connection with another person, while limerence is usually obsessive and one-sided. If you’re not sure which one you’re feeling, take a look at these major differences, according to Mackenzie and Lewis-Jah:

• Duration: Limerence is usually fleeting, whereas love grows over time.
• Intensity of Emotion: Limerence entails more intense and erratic emotions, whereas love involves a more stable emotional experience.
• Reciprocity: Because limerence is often one-sided, the other doesn’t always reciprocate their feelings. Those in love, on the other hand, share a mutual affection for one another.
• Nature of the Attachment: Those in limerence usually feel insecure about their connection, but those in love have a secure, healthy bond.
• Perception of the Person: People in limerence obsess about and idealize the object of their affection, ignoring red flags or other imperfections. Those in love have a more balanced, realistic view of their partner.
• Intention: Those in limerence think the other person will save or complete them. Individuals in love are usually whole on their own first, so their partner simply enhances their life.
• Cognitive Pattern: Individuals in limerence ruminate about the person they’re infatuated with, trying to figure out how they feel. Due to healthy communication, people in love know where they stand.
• Impact on Daily Life: In limerence, individuals find it difficult to carry out daily functions due to their consuming thoughts. Those in love, however, maintain their independence.

Causes of Limerence

Since limerence is a complex, multifaceted phenomenon, there isn’t one sole cause. Instead, many different influences—biological, psychological, emotional, and situational—interact with one another to bring about the emotional state, Lewis-Jah notes. By understanding some of the common causes, however, those in limerence will have a better grasp at what they’re feeling. “Recognizing these factors can help clarify why someone may find themselves in the grip of intense, obsessive attraction,” Lewis-Jah says.

Insecure Attachment Styles

Attachment styles, which emerge based on a child’s relationship with their caregiver, can largely shape how someone operates in future relationships. Those with insecure attachments, namely anxious or avoidant attachments, increase one’s likelihood of being in limerence. “Experiences of neglect or inconsistent caregiving may create a deep-seated need for love and validation that manifests as limerent feelings in adulthood,” Lewis-Jah explains. Because they don’t typically feel secure in their relationships, they seek out strong emotional connections, which can lead to limerence.

Unhealed Childhood Trauma

Traumatic situations that happen in one’s childhood—ones that they haven’t fully processed or healed from—can also increase a person’s susceptibility to limerence. Trauma survivors see the limerent object as someone who can save them or who can give them the love they didn’t receive during the traumatic event. Trauma can also cause individuals to have a strong desire for connection and validation, which are prevalent qualities in limerence.

Low Self-Esteem

Like insecurity in relationships, not feeling secure in oneself (low self-esteem) can also drive limerence. “They may seek validation through the attention of someone they admire, believing that such affection will enhance their self-image,” Lewis-Jah reveals.

Unmet Needs

Those with an emotional void or emotional wounds may become infatuated with another person as a way to distract themselves from any painful feelings. “Feelings of emptiness, whether from past heartaches or current challenges, can drive individuals to pursue limerent experiences,” Lewis-Jah says. “For many, this pursuit serves as a temporary escape from feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction.” Unmet needs also make a person more susceptible to idealizing others, projecting their desires onto someone that captivates them. Even an absence of physical needs, like sleep, can create the right conditions for limerence to emerge.

Life Changes

Someone might experience limerence if they’re navigating a huge life change, whether that be moving across the country, starting a new job, or coping with heartbreak. “During these times, people may be more open to experiencing limerence as they search for comfort and connection,” Lewis-Jah adds.

Signs of Limerence

If you’re wondering what limerence looks and feels like, we asked Mackenzie and Lewis-Jah to unpack the signs.

• Obsessive thoughts about the other person and idealized situations with them.
• An intense longing for emotional closeness with them.
• An all-consuming desire to figure out whether they reciprocate your feelings.
• A strong dependency on the other person for emotional support and validation.
• Extreme feelings of euphoria after perceived positive interactions and significant despair after ones interpreted as negative.
• Anxiety over possible disinterest or rejection.
• Physical signs, like an increased heart rate or changes in sleep and appetite.
• A failure to attend to other relationships, personal responsibilities, or individual needs.

Stages of Limerence

Limerence isn’t one state of being. Instead, it typically happens in three stages. As you start to become attracted to a new person and they pique your interest, you may notice this familiar process: 

Infatuation

In the early stages of limerence, the person experiencing this phenomenon becomes infatuated with the object of their affection. “The unobtainable nature of the person makes them more alluring,” Mackenzie offers. “This stage of limerence includes addictive-type behavior, thinking about the other 24 hours a day, stress, heart palpitations, stomach anxiety, and even intrusive thoughts. It’s best described as an uncontrollable, overwhelming desire for someone.”

Crystallization

The intense infatuation still persists in the second stage, but in addition, the victim starts to believe the idea that the object of their affection is the solution to all of their problems. “You decide that the person is flawless, and you idealize them by putting them on a pedestal,” Mackenzie says. 

Deterioration

During the final stage, reality starts to create cracks in this idealized image, leading to the understanding that the person they’ve been desiring is unattainable. “The final stage of limerence is the disappointment in the love object and letting go of them,” Mackenzie says. “It’s the realization that nothing is going to happen. It’s a feeling of loss.”

How to Manage Limerence

If you’ve identified that you might be in limerence, the experts share a few strategies to help you manage the intense feelings that ensue. 

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step involves identifying and accepting your feelings instead of trying to push them away or change them. If you want to experience real and lasting change, you’ll need to acknowledge whatever emotion you’re feeling without passing judgment. 

Set Boundaries

If you’re infatuated with another person, chances are, you’re poring over their social media profiles or seeking out ways to interact with them. Placing limits on these behaviors will help reduce the obsessive thoughts, per Lewis-Jah. 

Practice Mindfulness

Since limerence is an obsessive condition that takes place in your mind, practicing mindfulness, like shifting your attention to your breath or the environment, will help interrupt any given thought loop. Consistently and repeatedly redirecting your focus will retrain your brain, decreasing the likelihood of rumination in the future.

Nurture Your Relationship With Yourself

Because limerence usually stems from low self-esteem, Mackenzie notes that you might be neglecting your needs. To interrupt this pattern of avoidance, focus on self-care. “That means taking care of your diet, getting rest, nurturing your friendships, exercising, sleeping, and taking care of your basic needs,” Mackenzie offers. Lewis-Jah adds that prioritizing your hobbies will also help boost your wellbeing. 

Seek Professional Help

If the experience of limerence is severely interfering with your daily life and causing unmanageable emotional distress, you might benefit from talking to a therapist. “A therapist can provide guidance and support, helping you navigate your feelings and develop healthier relationship patterns,” Lewis-Jah says.