Understanding Velcro Parents And Their Impact

Parents naturally want to be there for their children, to provide comfort, guidance and protection.

But sometimes “being there” crosses a line into being everywhere. Cue “Velcro parents.” This approach to parenting comes from a place of love and good intentions, but the impact can be profoundly negative.

HuffPost spoke with psychologists and child development specialists to break down what Velcro parenting is, why it shows up and what families can do instead.

“A Velcro parent is a caregiver who remains constantly attached to their child ― physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or logistically,” clinical psychologist and author Jenny Yip told HuffPost. “Unlike helicopter parenting, which involves monitoring from above, Velcro parenting is about staying fused. The parent tightly shadows the child’s experiences, often stepping in at the earliest sign of discomfort, challenge or uncertainty.”

Basically, the parent sticks to their child like Velcro. And they intervene rather than allow the kid to navigate disappointment, frustration, boredom or other difficult experiences.

“Fostering a strong attachment is absolutely critical for a child’s growth and development,” said parenting coach Kristene Geering. “But as the child matures, it’s important to give them opportunities to explore on their own. If parents are never, ever away from their children, the kids don’t get that opportunity and miss out on a lot of opportunities to learn things like resilience and independence.”

Velcro parenting fosters unhealthy attachment or unhealthy symbiosis between children and their caregivers.

“The intention is usually love, protection and wanting to prevent struggles. But the unintended effect can look like constant monitoring, quick rescuing and difficulty giving the child enough space to take risks or solve problems on their own,” said Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist, parent coach and author of “Love the Teen You Have.”

On the other side of the equation, there are also children who feel very Velcro-ed to their parent.

“Velcro children may demonstrate close physical proximity to their caregiver, seek reassurance for things that might be fearful or uncertain and depend on the parent for emotional comfort and regulation,” said Allison McQuaid, a licensed professional counselor and owner of Tree House Therapy. “This child may have difficulty separating from a parent or even demonstrate parental preference.”

Although these things can be developmentally appropriate and normal, they can reach extreme and unhealthy levels if parents aren’t mindful.

“Children and teens naturally go through clingy phases, but when this becomes their main way of coping, it’s a signal they need help building internal confidence and that the parent may need support in gradually stepping back,” Lockhart said.

Indeed, Velcro children tend to be the product of Velcro parents.

“It’s important to emphasize that Velcro children are not ‘needy’ by nature,” Yip said. “They’ve simply learned that closeness is the safest way to navigate uncertainty. Often, the child’s behavior mirrors the parent’s patterns of over-support or over-rescuing.”

“Velcro parents tend to be nurturing, responsive, attuned and deeply invested,” Lockhart said. “Kids often feel very loved, supported and understood. That’s all wonderful.”

Thus, there can be some benefits in the early years, Yip noted.

“Responsive, attuned caregiving helps children feel emotionally secure and can strengthen the parent-child bond,” she said. “When used appropriately, closeness communicates, ‘I’m here, and you’re safe.’”

But the real issue with Velcro parenting is what happens over time as this kind of hyper-involvement limits children.

“The challenges arise when this closeness doesn’t evolve as the child grows,” Yip said. “If parents consistently jump in to anticipate needs, remove obstacles or prevent discomfort, children will struggle to develop autonomy, tolerate uncertainty or frustration, trust their own abilities and take age-appropriate risks.”

This experience ultimately contributes to anxiety, dependency, perfectionism and avoidance.

“Kids and teens need space to stretch, try, fail, recover and figure themselves out,” Lockhart said. “The problem emerges when parents stay too close for too long, which results in children and teens feeling less confident, more anxious and more dependent on the parent to make decisions or soothe every discomfort.”

Instead of learning “I can do hard things,” kids then grow up with the lesson that “I am safest when someone else manages life for me.”

“It is shocking the deficits these children have,” said clinical psychologist and “Pod Candy” podcast host John Mayer. “They have huge developmental holes inside them. They often don’t know common social behaviors and norms because their parents have stepped in for them. They have conflict in relationships, inability to thrive in adulthood and lead damaged, broken adulthoods.”

Difficult emotions and challenging experiences are inevitable parts of life, so parents shouldn’t take away opportunities for their children to develop coping mechanisms and problem-solving abilities.

“That’s messaging that ‘uncomfortable feelings’ are bad and should be prevented, or are problems that need to be ‘fixed’ rather than normal feelings that children can learn to deal with,” said author and The Parenting Mentor founder Susan Groner. “This can lead to unnecessary anxiety.”

Velcro parenting comes with downsides for the parents as well, especially in those early years.

“A parent who never gets a break away from their child, never gets to have a moment even to go to the bathroom, can start to feel overwhelmed and may be on the road to burnout,” Geering said. “I have seen a lot of parents who sacrifice their own self-care to take care of their child, end up burning out and then the child and parent both suffer. It’s critical to take time away from our kids, to spend time with our partners and friends, to cultivate our adult interests.”

She emphasized the importance of filling your own cup as a parent so that you’re able to take care of your kids. Taking direct responsibility for every aspect of your child’s success has the opposite effect ― leading to emotional exhaustion and unnecessary guilt.

“This can contribute to parents feeling overstimulated or ‘touched out’ by their child’s needs,” McQuaid added.

“If you have a sense that your child’s attachment to you might be veering into the realm of unhealthy, take a moment first of all to give yourself credit,” Geering said. “You’ve definitely helped your child to form a solid attachment, and that’s a good thing! Now you need to start scaffolding ways to get them to let go and explore independently a little, and as they build those skills, to offer more and more opportunities like that.”

The key is to strike a balance. You want to encourage your children to develop autonomy without sacrificing your connection with them.

“The goal is not to stop being nurturing, but to be responsive without overstepping developmentally appropriate boundaries,” McQuaid said.

The experts who spoke to HuffPost advised taking a gradual approach, guided by self-compassion and a desire to build resilience.

“You don’t need to go from Velcro to completely hands-off,” Lockhart said. “Pause before rescuing. Give your child a chance to try things first. Give them limited choices, so they can choose. Name the growth ― ‘I saw how you figured that out on your own. That was awesome. You should be proud of yourself.’”

She also recommended building frustration tolerance by allowing your child to sit in discomfort rather than jumping in to solve something immediately.

“Create structured space for independence,” Yip advised. “Set up predictable opportunities where your child practices age-appropriate tasks without your involvement ― packing their backpack, ordering their own food, problem-solving small challenges.”

Instead of doing things for your child, ask questions like, “What’s your plan?” or “What’s the first step you can take?” You might also say something along the lines of, “Let’s think this through together.” Show confidence with encouraging sentiments like, “I trust you. You can do hard things.”

Yip also suggested praising things like effort, persistence, reasonable risk-taking and growth ― rather than the fact that they stayed close to you to manage the situation.

“Tolerate your own discomfort,” she added. “Parents often rescue because their anxiety spikes. Allow those moments to pass without jumping in. Your calm presence teaches your child that they can handle discomfort, too.”

If there’s significant anxiety or other issues, you can also seek support from a therapist for yourself and/or your child.

“Often, the parent’s fear drives the closeness more than the child’s needs,” Lockhart said. “It’s also very easy to project parental fears onto your child. Step back. Take a breath. Notice if the problem really belongs to your child or if it belongs to you.”

Gradually offer more times for independent play and introduce other caregivers into the mix when possible.

“Babysitters will also give the parent some much-needed alone time!” Groner noted. “Parents should never feel like they won’t be needed by their child. My kids are 26 and 28, and they still want validation, love and support from me. They use me as a sounding board, and they share both positive and negative experiences with me.”

It’s OK to take different approaches with different kids; for instance, if one of your children has special needs.

“If you’re feeling judged for being a ‘Velcro parent’ but you know that this particular child needs you in this particular way at this time, go with your gut,” Geering said. “You know your child best. So long as you’re providing those moments of independence, exploration and skill-building in ways that meet your child’s specific needs, odds are good that they will develop the skills they need as they grow.”

Ultimately, you want to foster lifelong resilience and internalize within your child and yourself that they can handle challenges, even when you aren’t right next to them.

“Healthy attachment is about connection and individuation,” Yip said. “Our role as parents is to be a secure base from which children can explore, rather than the anchor that keeps them from moving. When parents gradually step back, children almost always step forward.”

The idea is to be responsive, rather than reactive.

“Your job isn’t to eliminate every struggle,” Lockhart said. “It’s to walk alongside them as they learn they’re capable. It’s hard, painstaking, and highly frustrating work. But, it’s also so worth it to see a child and a teen who is equipped to launch into the world eventually.”