The Most Common Mind Games (And How to Spot Them)
1. Gaslighting: Reality Distortion
What it looks like: Someone consistently denies your reality, memory, or perception. “That never happened.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re remembering it wrong.”
Why it works: Over time, you begin to doubt your own judgment and become dependent on the manipulator’s version of reality.
The tell: You find yourself constantly questioning your memory or apologizing for your feelings.
2. The Silent Treatment: Emotional Withdrawal
What it looks like: Instead of addressing conflict directly, someone punishes you with coldness, withdrawal, or deliberate silence.
Why it works: The uncertainty and desire to “fix things” puts you in a one-down position where you chase their approval.
The tell: You’re walking on eggshells, trying to figure out what you did wrong when nothing was directly communicated.
3. Moving the Goalposts: The Unwinnable Game
What it looks like: You meet their requirements, but suddenly the standards change. “That’s good, but now you need to…” or “I actually meant…”
Why it works: You’re trapped in a perpetual state of “not quite good enough,” which keeps you striving for their approval.
The tell: No matter what you achieve, it’s never enough or the criteria mysteriously shift.
4. Triangulation: Playing People Against Each Other
What it looks like: Someone brings a third party into your dynamic to create competition, jealousy, or insecurity. “Well, Sarah would have done it this way…” or sharing information that pits people against each other.
Why it works: It keeps you off-balance and competing for favor while the manipulator maintains control.
The tell: You frequently hear about what “someone else” said, did, or thinks — always in a way that makes you feel inadequate.
5. The Guilt Trip: Weaponized Obligation
What it looks like: Every request from you is met with martyrdom. “I guess I’ll just handle everything myself…” or “After all I’ve done for you…”
Why it works: It exploits your empathy and sense of fairness, making you responsible for their feelings.
The tell: You feel guilty for having normal needs or setting reasonable boundaries.
6. Intermittent Reinforcement: The Hot-Cold Cycle
What it looks like: Unpredictable shifts between warmth/approval and coldness/criticism with no clear pattern.
Why it works: This creates an addictive cycle where you’re always hoping to get back to the “good” version of the person. It’s the psychological equivalent of a slot machine.
The tell: You can never predict what version of the person you’ll get, and you find yourself analyzing what you did differently on “good days.”
7. Playing the Victim: Reversal of Responsibility
What it looks like: When confronted about their behavior, they immediately flip the script to make themselves the wronged party.
Why it works: Your genuine concern gets redirected to managing their emotions instead of addressing the issue.
The tell: Every conversation about their behavior ends with you comforting them.
