At first, he seemed like the perfect match — charming, attentive, and full of promises of our future. Little did I know, I was about to fall victim to the most mental and emotionally draining experience of my life; Not once, but twice! I was targeted by a romance scammer and then a con artist. Here’s how I learned to spot the red flags, and how you can too.
He came in fast, and I fell hard. I believed he was everything I had ever wanted in a man — but it was all a lie. Little did I know at first the man I fell hard and fast for was leading a double life, lying, cheating, misleading, scheming and stealing money from me behind my back, all while being kind and charming to my face and pretending to be the love of my life.
As soon as I uncovered the layers of deception, I called it off, went no contact, sold everything, and moved to Mexico. It might seem extreme, but it felt like survival, I was on a mission to heal and never ever face that type of deception again! After all, they say you can’t heal in the place — or around the person — who broke you.
I was vulnerable but happily starting my new life in Mexico, when a new “friend” swopped in, but he had his own hidden agenda. For months, I believed I was building a genuine relationship with a man who I called a close friend, who admittedly in looking back, seemed a little too good to be true. He was growing increasingly involved in my life — talking daily and hanging out often, getting involved in my personal and professional life and weaving his way into working for me in my business. The truth revealed itself, he wasn’t who he appeared to be either. I discovered he was a con artist who took advantage of me, stealing as much as he could, time, money, energy and when I exposed his tactics, he attempted to ruin my reputation publicly with a carefully planted public smear campaign, triangulation, gaslighting, public slander and defamation.
It was all a lie, a façade of fakeness dancing in my face.
Both men shared one thing in common: calculated kindness.
They were charming, and oh so nice when it suited them. Incredibly persuasive, they knew exactly what to say and how to say, even the tone of voice in which to use, to get what they wanted when they wanted — Mater Manipulators who puppet those around them for their own personal gain. Void of real empathy, and no real depth or meaning to their connections, for them, life and relationships are just transactions and a game.
They were so convincing that the entire community believed they were genuinely good people. Meanwhile, they hid behind a mask of ‘niceness’ while secretly manipulating, lying, cheating, stealing, gaslighting, future faking, betraying, and exploiting me and others for no other reason than they feel entitled, arrogant and obsessively focused on themselves and how much money, power and control they can gain, stay clear of these types of folks if you can.
The cult of ‘Nice’ and how we keep getting it wrong
In our current society, being “nice” is often seen as a virtue — a trait that fosters trust, cooperation, and harmony. It can create positive relationships and reduce conflict. However, when taken to extremes, niceness can be weaponized. It can lead to people-pleasing, suppress honest communication, and even allow toxic behaviors to go unchallenged. In my experience with the womanizing swindler, and white-collar criminal con artist, being “nice” was an act, a
strategic tool to control and manipulate others, that allowed them to take advantage of anyone they could, without a care for the emotional or psychological harm their actions caused.
Whether it’s master manipulators using niceness as a weapon, or those of us raised to please others and people-please our way through life, we live in a society where “niceness” is not a one-size-fits-all solution. The cult of ‘Niceness’ is luring victims into predator traps, where kindness is exploited for manipulation and control.
There’s a lot of programing where “nice” is exalted. Using manners and politeness is important, but the kicker is that teaching children to always be nice often turns them into codependent people-pleasers and as adults we get into situations with abusers, and users. It also becomes self-indulgent. When children are taught to be nice as a moral standard, it becomes easier to control them. A “nice” person will often do what others want to keep the peace and appease others, even if they are in harms way.
Whether we’re children trying to please our parents or adults needing approval of our partners, we must stop the cycle, and we need to use more discernment and realize that “nice” can be a tool of control. Those with ill intent often hide behind a nice facade to get what they want, while many of us who have been indoctrinated into the cult of niceness have been taught to believe it’s the right thing to do.
Those who weaponize niceness
Sociopaths, Narcissist, Machiavellian types, these are the dark triads, personality types that most romance and con artist swindlers alike fall into. These folks excel at manipulating emotions, are masters at mind games, they play on vulnerabilities, and weaponize your kind heart and empathic nature against you, they do all this to gain the trust of others with charm and deceit.
Because I tend to see the good in people, and I was taught to be nice to others, and I thought everyone was like me — genuine, honest and sincere, I was blinded to their two-faced nature. But the red flags were there! Both men I found myself drawn into had an insatiable desire for money, control and power, and they disguised their true intentions with superficial kindness, “pretending” to care while secretly pursuing their own selfish agendas. Key word is — pretending.
They are actors playing the role “you need” so they can get what “they want.” And as soon as they get what they want, their true colors show. The mask falls, the romance swindler disappeared, ghosted, but only after he stonewalled me and tried to give the silent treatment to put me in my place for asking questions. The con artist staged an aggressive fight and tried to get me to react to his abusive behavior so he could call me the crazy one, don’t fall for this bait either.
What I learned was that people like this all work off the same playbook, and who they are in the end, the callous, cold, disrespectful void of human compassion, black-eyes, blame shifting, shape shifting ego manic, is who they were all along, it was just cleverly covered under a vail of charm, wit and niceness. When I am honest with myself, I could feel something was off the moment I met both these men, because energy does lie.
What you see is not always what you get.
You may wonder how I feel not once, but twice for these scammers, to put it point blank, because of psychology and conditioning! To the outside world, the men appeared generous and kind, but beneath the surface, they were deceitful, malicious, and corrupt — both men attacked me in private, demonstrated behaviors that showed they would stop at nothing to get what they wanted. Both they knew how to fabricate elaborate stories to elicit sympathy which in turn changed into financial support, energy and my time, by exploiting my vulnerabilities and emotions — playing off my unhealed childhood wounds made me putty in their hands.
This is why it’s crucial to understand the difference between real kindness and fake niceness. It can literally save your life. Real niceness is rooted in genuine care, honesty, and respect, while fake niceness is a mask for manipulation and self-interest. Recognizing the difference is important, because being authentically nice — not just “nice” for the sake of approval — leads to healthier relationships and greater personal fulfillment and it is consistent, it is character so it doesn’t waver.
It’s important to recognize the tactics of scammers and con artists, and understand the common behaviors, so you can protect yourself, here’s how to recognize the red flags:
Red flag #1: Their “Mr. Nice Guy” Persona Has Cracks
The womanizing scammer was charming — so nice, it seemed. But I’ll never forget one date early on, sitting on a restaurant patio. A homeless man approached and asked for change. I smiled politely, then looked to the man I was falling for.
His whole demeanor shifted. He puffed up, froze, and scowled — not at the man, but at me. His kindness evaporated. In its place: cold disgust and silence.
That was the moment I realized — his niceness was a performance, not a personality. Real kindness isn’t selective. It doesn’t vanish when no one’s watching.
Master manipulators often use charm as a strategy. They’re kind when it benefits them — when it wins them praise, trust, or attention. But in private, especially when something challenges their image, the mask slips.
You can’t change a leopard’s spots. Believe what you see the first time.
Ask yourself: Do they act caring only when others are around, but turn cold or indifferent when it’s just you? If the answer is yes, you might be dealing with manipulation — not love.
Red flag #2: You Feel Isolated, But You Can’t Explain Why
With both the romantic swindler and con artist, the relationships were isolating. They spoke of friends who “knew about me,” yet I never met a single one. It was classic triangulation — a manipulation tactic where others are mentioned but never seen, used to control the narrative and keep you off balance.
This isolation should’ve been a red flag. But I was hooked by charm, sob stories, and the urge to help. They saw that in me from the start — my need to fix, to save — and used it to pull me deeper.
I’ve since learned: not everything deserves my help. People are responsible for their own lives and healing. That shift alone now repels manipulators — they can’t thrive without a fixer.
Want to protect yourself? Let go of codependency and the need to rescue others. Those who refuse to fix themselves aren’t yours to carry.
Ask yourself: Do I feel alone in this relationship? If yes, you may already be caught in their web.
Red flag #3: Every Interaction Feels Like a Transaction
Calculated “nice people” view relationships as transactions, where people are seen as tools to achieve their goals. They objectify others, using charm, guilt, or fear to manipulate situations to their advantage. With both of these men it was always tit for tat, it felt like they always kept score, and they would only do things, if they got something in return. When the comparatist handed me a gift, he said, “This is for your under 1 condition, you share I on your social media.”
I should have ran for the hills at this first sign.
Ask yourself: “Does this person only seem to care about me when they want something?” If the answer is yes, it might be a sign that you’re being treated as a means to an end.
Red flag #4: Emotions Are Weapons, Not Bridges
Master manipulators are experts at exploiting emotions to control and influence others. They use tactics like guilt, fear, and sympathy to create emotional triggers that prompt a desired reaction. By preying on vulnerabilities and pushing emotional buttons, they can distort perceptions, gain trust, or make others feel obligated or dependent. In doing so, they subtly gain power and maintain control, all while masking their true intentions behind a facade of concern or affection.
Question to Ask: “Do I feel like I’m constantly doubting my own feelings, thoughts, or decisions when I’m around this person?” If the answer is yes, you may be relating to someone who is emotional manipulative.
Red flag #5: They are not fully present, allusive, mysterious and always on the go
Both the con artist and the womanizer played the same game: mystery as manipulation. They’d shower me with gifts and affection, then disappear — phones off, vague stories about travel, always coming and going. Never fully present, just enough to keep me intrigued and off balance.
At first, it seemed exciting. But over time, the inconsistency felt shady — and became a major red flag. Their unpredictability wasn’t romantic, it was strategic. They used it to spark longing and emotional dependence while keeping me in the dark.
If you’ve done the inner work — especially around abandonment wounds — this behavior won’t feel alluring. It’ll feel like what it is: emotionally manipulative and deeply selfish.
These types don’t care about your feelings. They care about control, validation, and what they can get from you. They may pretend to care, but their focus is always on themselves.
Ask yourself: Do I feel like I’m being kept in the dark? Are they truly available when I need connection? If not, you’re likely dealing with someone who’s playing games — not building a relationship.
Healthy love is transparent, consistent, and grounded — not a guessing game.
Red flag #6: They are highly hypocritical
I started noticing the cracks early on — like him claiming to be vegan while eating M&M’s at the movies, or calling himself generous but mysteriously “forgetting” his wallet and never tipping. He said he was an open book, yet dodged the simplest questions.
The romance swindler promised a future together, but couldn’t remember where we were supposed to meet. He spoke of love and commitment, then vanished for days. He demanded honesty, respect, and loyalty — yet lied daily, cheated, and disrespected me without hesitation.
Eventually, the pattern became clear: who he said he was never matched how he behaved.
This kind of hypocrisy is a key tactic of manipulators. They hold others to high standards while refusing to follow them themselves. They gaslight you when you ask for basic respect or clarity, flipping the script to maintain control.
Pay attention to inconsistencies. When actions don’t align with words, believe the actions.
Ask yourself: Do they demand things from me — loyalty, honesty, empathy — that they won’t give in return? If so, it could be a sign you’re dealing with manipulation, not love.
Being targeted by a romance scammer and a con artist was a wake-up call that changed the way I view relationships and life itself. By learning to spot the signs of manipulation and trusting my intuition, I’ve taken back control of my life and feel stronger than ever.
Surviving this game taught me that trust should never be given away too easily, and self-worth should never be compromised. I may have been targeted, and had my heart broken and lost tens of thousands of dollars, and had time and energy stolen from me, but I’m so much stronger now, and you can be too. Don’t let yourself be a victim. Stay vigilant, trust yourself, and never be afraid to walk away from situations that don’t feel right.
By staying honest with yourself first, trusting your instincts, and learning the red flags, you can protect yourself from falling victim to their games. Because the players and cheats may keep playing, but once you learn their game, you can check mate, because when you remove your energy, the scams can’t scam.
Remember, you deserve relationships built on trust, respect, and genuine care — not manipulation, lies, and deceit. Stay informed, set healthy boundaries, and always prioritize your emotional well-being, you future self will thank you.
