One of the best parts about going on a date? The debrief that happens afterward with your friends. Filling them in on all the juicy details is half the fun, so much so that “doing it for the plot” is often a motivating factor for re-downloading the apps. When everyone you know is swiping, meeting new people, and talking about love, it’s only natural to want the same for yourself.
It’s exciting to announce your relationship status online, like when you finally get to hard launch your partner on Instagram. And if anyone asks, it’s nice to be able to say, “I met someone.” At the same time, there’s a lot of baggage that comes with making your love life public, even if it’s just amongst your inner circle. Think about the unsolicited advice, comparison, and clouded judgment that comes when you get one too many opinions from well-meaning friends.
That’s why “quiet dating” is becoming more popular, according to Shan Boodram, Bumble’s relationship expert. The idea is to start dating for you — not for your feed, friends, or family. By doing so, you aren’t trying to make a point, announce a milestone, get back at an ex, or even keep up in a conversation.
Instead, you’re pulling the focus back to yourself. It’s similar to the other quiet trends, like quiet quitting and quiet luxury, which are all about lying low and doing what’s right for you. Here, Boodram breaks it all down.
What Is Quiet Dating?
Coined by Kimberly Bizu, host of the podcast Rich Little Broke Girls, “quiet dating” is when you move with quiet self-assurance in your love life. “It’s a more relaxed approach to connection where you aren’t chasing labels, milestones, or validation, but exploring what feels good and learning what you actually want,” Boodram tells Bustle.
It’s in stark contrast to what dating often looks like. “We’ve reached a point where who we’re seeing — or even sleeping with — has become a dominant topic in conversations, but your love life shouldn’t be your main character arc,” she adds. “The person you’re dating should never be the most interesting thing about you, and if something doesn’t work out, it shouldn’t derail your entire life or online brand.”
That’s why it’s a healthy mentality to adopt, especially in a world where finding love seems to get harder every day. “When you release the pressure for a relationship to define you — or for it to be a performance — you create space for more authentic, relaxed connections,” she says. “Quiet dating is really about decentering romance as your ‘why’ and letting it become one of your many ‘whats.’”
“Dating can be a detail of a well-lived life, not the destiny that defines it.”
The benefits continue from there. Once you decenter dating, you’ll be less likely to go on dates just for the sake of having a relationship, and more likely to keep an eye out for connections that bring true value into your life.
“You should always have expectations for how you’re treated, just not a rigid timeline or fixed outcome,” Boodram says. “Ironically, when you stop chasing the ‘perfect’ result and stay present, you often find a deeper compatibility than you could have planned for.”
According to Boodram, it’s all about recognizing you’re more than a label, a partner, or a tag on social media. “It doesn’t mean dating is less important, or that sharing your love life is off-limits,” she says. “It simply reflects an understanding that there are many other interesting, meaningful parts of ourselves to express.”
What Does Quiet Dating Look Like?
If your self-worth is tied to your relationship status, then it might be a good time to try quiet dating. The same is true if you feel constant pressure to update others about your love life, Boodram says. If that’s the case, quiet dating is as simple as redirecting the spotlight in your life.
“When someone asks, ‘Who are you dating?’ you can just smile and politely say, It doesn’t really matter,’ then move on,” she says. It can mean talking about literally anything else at brunch, swerving questions from prying family members, and processing how you feel after a date before sending your bestie a 10-minute voice note.
Quiet dating is also in the small choices you make. According to Boodram, you might put a picture of your partner fourth in a photo dump, instead of first, or leave your relationship gossip to the last thing you tell your mom when recapping your day.
It sends the message to yourself and others that even though your relationship status may change, who you are at your core doesn’t. The takeaway? There’s so much more to do and think about other than dating. Not only is it freeing, but it’s also a mindset that can make dating more fun.
Source:
Shan Boodram, relationship expert at Bumble
