My wife has decided she is done with sex. She hasn’t given a particular reason. I asked if there may be a deeper resentment about me – but she said not. I asked if she perhaps had feelings for other men – but she said not. She is in the later stages of menopause – eight years ago, when we first met, it was a bigger part of her life. But last week she just said that although she loves me very much, and there are no issues, she doesn’t want to have sex or anything else. She wants me to be there for her as a celibate partner, indefinitely, leaving me, faithfully, in limbo. I love her, but I feel the lack of physical intimacy could break us up.
No doubt your wife’s decision is devastating for you, and you may have to decide if this new scenario is possible for you, but it would probably be worth trying to glean more information to help you to understand “Why this? Why now?” Menopause can have a devastating effect on a woman’s libido, and there can be all kinds of other issues such as genital dryness and pain. Learn more about this, then demonstrate your understanding about it to your wife, and inquire about being helpful to her in some way, such as helping her get to doctors’ appointments and being available to listen to her physical and emotional concerns. A sexual compromise might eventually be possible through gentle negotiation, but I imagine it would have to be very much on her terms at this point. Some women elect to boost their hormone levels in one way or another, which can help restore libido, but that is an individual choice. After eight years together I do not recommend that you make a hasty decision to walk away, as there are many avenues to explore.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
