— May I apologize for all the things I once let pass?
Still within the tempo of autumn, it feels as if time runs too fast
there is a baton that must be passed to another runner at the next border
an anomaly that cannot be explained.
It feels like a rumble, like ripples — but at least still yearning for calm.
Many shades of brown and yellow have fallen,
the wind of this season is colder than usual.
Amid the many smiles for the scenery that hypnotizes every single thing,
there are thunders of regret for the complaints made in many past times.
Of all the things that could become the question “why must it be me?”
now I feel guilty for that.
There are repetitions of things like romanticizing,
forms of chaos, the rumble of reasons expected to appear,
words like “I am already good enough,”
hatreds that slapped until I was not enough.
I was too focused on every sound of hate directed at me,
too afraid of every mismatch between what I hoped for and what was real,
until I forgot that the focus should be given
to the glimpse of acceptance from other things —
there were smiles that should have been shown,
there were laughters that should have been shared,
but the rope I was holding wounded me so painfully.
I thought maybe it was my dry skin that made it hurt so much,
but apparently, there was something I needed to let go.
You don’t need to be liked by everyone,
just as you don’t need to like everything.
Once I felt confused why some people chose to slap me
when I didn’t even know what my fault was,
some felt free to say hurtful things
because they knew tomorrow I would accept them again without replying,
but that was not what I wanted.
There were many false hopes such as —
maybe they would like me someday,
maybe I was wrong,
maybe I needed to fix many things —
but I realized, oh, not everything needs to fit,
so letting it go is no longer a choice but a necessity.
I focused on those who hurt me
because I wanted to feel fully loved —
but it turns out love is not shaped like that.
When I shifted the focus,
there were many things I should have been grateful for —
the romantic feeling entrusted by Venus for me,
as if I ignored it.
That rope — ah, I want to let it go.
I don’t want to care anymore about what you do, thank you.
If love had a shape, perhaps it would be autumn —
the golden color blended with yellowing leaves,
the cold air that doesn’t freeze,
a carrot cake with the same tone of color
and a bitter iced americano with a loyal laptop beside me.
There are many laughters I am grateful for —
and there are pleas I have cried out,
many apologies for unintentionally neglecting
so many forms of romanticism,
the words of love, warmth, and affection the universe has given,
but I focused on a form of love
whose shape apparently is not always the same.
So it’s okay if some will not like me,
some others perhaps will accept me as I am,
or at least I must be able to accept myself as I am.
In this life,
I want to enjoy many beautiful autumns
filled with much affection
and the bursts of endorphins that explode within🍂
— Kaia Sanna
