I thought I knew what love was, but the truth was, I had NO idea.
I used to love that feeling of being in love. You know, that feeling of being chosen, wanted, happy. I loved it so much I used to look for it in the wrong places. But when I finally received the love that was good for me, it forced me to confront things about myself that I was not ready to see.
I counsel people on how to improve the quality of their relationships.
I’m also successfully divorced and happily single for over 5 years, so it might appear as if my lived experience does not qualify me to speak about healthy relationships. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
After my marriage ended I asked to be shown real love. I asked for a love that wouldn’t end in divorce or separation, one that was the real deal. A love where I was seen and accepted for who I am and not through the eyes of limitation or wounding as had been my previous experience of relationships. I wanted a partner who actually wanted to be in relationship with ME! Someone who wasn’t in a relationship to satisfy their own needs to feel loved — to fill their own void. I wanted someone who knew how to connect intimately and with true vulnerability.
I really didn’t know what I was asking for!
In walked my twin soul — the perfect reflection of me at a soul level. We spoke without words, we knew each others thoughts, we made each other better. We knew who each other was underneath the layers of conditioning, trauma and wounding – we saw each other’s souls.
He often told me that he loved ‘everything about me’, and the look in his eyes told me that he meant it.
This was the love I had asked for!
What I didn’t know was that I wasn’t ready for this kind of love. That to be truly loved and seen by somebody requires a level of self-love equal to it. How could anybody love me this much? Especially someone I adored and cherished so deeply. Surely it was a mistake? Surely, when he discovered the real me he’d realise that he didn’t love me at all, that I wasn’t worthy of his love.
Naturally this relationship did not last, it couldn’t. It didn’t have the foundations to support it. And if I wasn’t able to be in a whole-hearted relationship then I wasn’t interested in being in a relationship at all.
That left me no option.
The only choice available to me was to heal the wounds that kept me out of the love that I had asked for.
Cue dark night of the soul.
It’s been a long journey of purging everything that does not represent love. Every ounce of control, everything that I cling onto in the name of safety, I have either let go of or has been taken from me. I am stripped, I am naked and I am free.
Free of the binds of limitation and wounding.
Free of the suffering that comes from not feeling good enough.
Free of the belief that I am not worthy of a love like that.
Free to let real love enter my life.
Whilst my journey of relationship mastery has been a solo one, conducted outside of a romantic relationship, it has been in collaboration with the wonderful community that I am part of. For just as I have learned to let go of control, of needing to be rescued and needing to be loved, I have learned to open up to support and connection in all its forms. This means being vulnerable and asking for help from people outside of my home and family. And as I have opened my heart and allowed myself to acknowledge that I can’t do it all on my own, I feel more broadly held in the arms of communal love than ever before.
This journey has forced me to confront my shadows and it has not been easy. I have cried, screamed, and pleaded with the divine for mercy! But ultimately, through it all, I am grateful. Grateful, because now I am open to receiving real love — love without the battles of the ego or the ways of the world.
And that means peace.
Deep inner peace and relationship harmony and that is what I wish for you.
If you’d like to explore these ideas further with me, I’d love to work with you
