Four Horsemen Predict Divorce Risk In Couples

You might’ve heard of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as depicted in the Bible’s Book of Revelation. But are you familiar with the Four Horsemen of Divorce?

It’s a concept developed by psychologists John and Julie Gottman to describe four communication patterns that can quietly ― and sometimes not so quietly ― erode a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

“The four horsemen are four types of behaviors that are seen within relationships which typically indicate it may be on the rocks,” Thais Gibson, a relationship expert and founder of The Personal Development School, told HuffPost. “These horsemen, alone or in combination, are what signal a dysfunctional relationship according to Gottman. The more of these traits that are expressed in a relationship, the more likely there is to be a breakup or divorce.”

This framework for identifying unhealthy relationship behaviors stems from the Gottmans’ famous “Love Lab” research.

“Couples actually lived in an apartment for a predetermined amount of time where researchers would observe them, and what they tended to find were the strongest predictors of dissolution were those four horsemen ― criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling,” said M.L. Parker, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Interdependence Clinical Consulting. “So we know these behaviors or characteristics are incredibly harmful to long-term relationships.”

Of course, identifying these behaviors doesn’t solve every issue or explain why they’re happening. Rather, the four horsemen act as warning signs ― indicating deeper problems that might need to be addressed through clearer communication, emotional regulation, individual or couples therapy or other forms of support.

“It’s a pattern-recognition tool, not a relationship verdict. Just because you see them doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed but it means that it’s time to address your communication and relationship patterns ASAP before negative feelings towards one another compound,” emphasized Damona Hoffman, a dating coach and author of “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.”

The framework is ultimately an opportunity for growth and repair.

“Here’s the good news,” said divorce attorney Marilyn Chinitz, a partner at Blank Rome LLP. “Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling are learned behaviors. If a couple recognizes them, then they can replace them with positive behaviors ― responsibility rather than defensiveness, engagement rather than withdrawal, and respect rather than contempt.”

Below, experts break down each horseman and share advice for counteracting them.

“Criticism is when one partner attacks the other’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior,” said Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert with the dating app Hily. “For example, they’ll use global terms like ‘you always’ and ‘you never’ to make the person feel like a disappointment instead of focusing on resolving the issue at hand.”

In fact, these kinds of generalizations tend to escalate conflict by inflaming emotions and tapping into insecurities.

“Instead of talking about a particular event and something specific that upset a partner, they say things like ‘You’re so lazy!’ or ‘You never listen to me!’” Parker said. “It’s a harmful approach to feedback and what the Gottmans call a ‘harsh startup.’”

Providing feedback to your partner is a normal and healthy part of relationships, but there’s a big difference between helpful feedback and criticism.

“When most of that information is communicated through negative criticism, it doesn’t serve a helpful purpose,” said therapist Natalie Moore. “It erodes connection and goodwill. Criticism attacks the person’s character, whereas helpful feedback shares why the specific, changeable behavior is unacceptable.”

She emphasized that a healthy complaint is something like, “I’m upset that you didn’t call,” but criticism is an attack or judgment on the other person’s beliefs, personality or sense of self. That might sound like, “It’s impossible to live with you,” “You’re always so irresponsible,” or “You never think about me.”

Essentially, it’s telling your partner they are wrong, nullifying their perspective and putting them down.

“Criticism shuts down communication and problem-solving rather than inviting a dialogue or opportunity for a meeting of the minds,” said couples and family therapist Tracy Ross. “The message is ― something is wrong with you, not me. ‘You always take your parents’ side’ ‘You’re weak!’ ‘You’re so selfish!’”

The impulse to criticize can come from failure to express expectations and difficulty sharing them clearly.

“If this happens frequently within your relationship or you find yourself criticizing your partner often, it may stem from unmet needs in a relationship and can indicate that there are deeper-rooted issues that must be addressed,” Gibson said. “Criticism usually reflects an inability to communicate needs in a healthy way.”

You can counter this impulse by being mindful of your communication and softening that “harsh startup.”

“When you notice yourself speaking in generalizations such as ‘you never’ and ‘you always,’ take a moment,” Moore advised. “Shift your language into an ‘I-statement’ such as ‘I feel x when you y. Can you do z next time instead, please?’”

“Gottman found contempt to be the strongest predictor of divorce, and we’re seeing more of it as empathy erodes in fast, reactive communication environments,” Hoffman said.

It’s a toxic behavior wherein partners express disgust and scorn for each other.

“Contempt shows up as sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking or talking down to your partner,” Hoffman said. “It carries an energy of superiority ― ‘I’m better than you,’ or even worse, ‘You disgust or annoy me.’”

Speaking in a contemptuous tone, mean-spirited teasing, belittling, leveling insults and displaying cold or turned-off body language are other indicators of contempt.

“It most often manifests in couples’ interactions as facial expressions and body language such as grimacing, eye-rolling, sneering, scoffing or mocking,” Moore said. “It conveys a complete disrespect of the partner and what they’re saying.”

There might be a shaming or humiliating element as well.

“The partner expressing contempt is saying the other person is damaged and of lesser value,” Ross said. “They might say things like, ‘You idiot, anyone with any sense could see that…” or “That’s pathetic and childish ― if it wasn’t for me, nothing would ever get done.’”

Of the four horsemen, contempt is the most dangerous and most challenging to overcome.

“It’s often a signal of longstanding resentment and disdain for one’s partner and is therefore much harder to recover from,” Romanoff said.

This erosion of respect can harm all other aspects of communication. Still, there are ways to work through contempt.

“If you catch yourself mid eye-roll or mocking your partner, take a long, deep breath,” Moore advised. “Relax the muscles in your face. Try re-stating your sentence in a calm, respectful manner.”

The goal is to foster a culture of mutual respect and appreciation in your relationship.

“This involves regularly expressing gratitude, admiration and fondness,” Hoffman said.

“Defensiveness is when you automatically justify yourself instead of listening to and hearing your partner,” said Suzanne Degges-White, a licensed counselor and relationship expert with the app Headway. “When your partner doesn’t feel heard, and the conflict is not resolved, it will eventually lead to bottled-up emotions and emotional withholding.”

With defensiveness, you focus on protecting your pride or ego instead of your relationship. You might try to make excuses for your actions, shift the responsibility or even launch counterattacks.

“One partner is giving direct feedback and the other partner responds by turning the blame back on them or assuming the victim role,” Romanoff said. “This happens when one partner is emotionally immature and struggles to take in feedback to evolve together to meet their partner’s needs.”

Ross shared some phrases she frequently hears from defensive partners, including ‘I only did it because you…,’ and ‘If you wouldn’t have done that I never would have…,’ ‘It’s not like you never…,’ ‘Oh OK, so I’m the bad one, it’s my fault…’ and ‘How can you even say that when you’re the one who…’”

“It’s explaining away, instead of taking in what your partner is saying and assuming responsibility,” Ross said.

Indeed, the hallmark of defensiveness is an inability to take accountability in your relationship, which can sometimes stem from insecurity.

“Defensiveness is often rooted in fear ― a fear of being wrong, rejected or not enough,” Hoffman said. “Defensiveness is countered by taking responsibility, which means accepting even a small part of the problem and acknowledging your partner’s perspective.”

The experts who spoke to HuffPost emphasized that there’s almost never a relationship where one person is 100% at fault for unhealthy dynamics and the other is an innocent bystander.

“This means that when conflict, a misunderstanding or hurt feelings arise, it’s important that both partners take an honest inventory of their part in the situation,” Moore said. “The next time your voice goes up an octave and you start making a laundry list of excuses for why you did something, slow it down. Instead, reflect back to your partner what they told you they felt as a result of your behavior, take responsibility for it and ask how you can do better next time.”

“Stonewalling is emotional shutdown,” Hoffman said. “It’s withdrawing, going silent or disengaging when conflict feels overwhelming. Today, stonewalling doesn’t just look like walking away ― it can look like scrolling, multitasking or emotionally checking out while technically still present.”

One or both partners might avoid eye contact, give one-word answers or display indifference when it’s time to make a decision.

“It can also look like passive compliance, just saying ‘Yep, you’re right, OK,’ but there’s no engagement in the conversation and no accountability,” Parker said. “So whatever the issue was will likely resurface.”

The result is disconnection and poor relationship skill-building.

“Being able to communicate your feelings and needs ― and listen to those of your partner ― is key to a healthy intimate relationship,” Moore said. “Two major aspects of the success of a partnership involve validating one another’s emotions and negotiating needs. Simply put, that means trying to find a win-win situation where both partners get most of their needs met most of the time.”

With stonewalling, the other partner can start to feel dread and fear that the other could shut down at any time.

“This can leave a partner feeling abandoned and invisible,” Degges-White said. “While it may occur because a person needs to ‘cool off’ from emotional overload, it can be seen as indifference to the partner.”

It’s important to recognize that stonewalling can be a defense mechanism, a sort of retreat for self-preservation.

“Stonewalling is rarely about not caring,” Gibson said. “It is more often a shutdown response that comes from poor boundaries and overwhelm.”

“The person doing the stonewalling probably feels flooded and doesn’t know how to express or cope with the emotions,” Ross added. “They also may want to punish their spouse for ‘making them feel that way.’”

For those who tend to stonewall, the way to counteract it is to focus on physiological self-soothing ― stating that you need a little time to calm your body and nervous system before returning to the discussion.

“If you notice yourself shutting down during an argument, your nervous system is signaling to you that you need a break or need a moment of quiet, physical connection before you can continue to speak,” Moore said. “Listen to that cue.”