There are people (mostly women) who carry bruises no one can see. Not on their bodies, but in their souls and spirits. Emotional and spiritual abuse in Christian marriages hide behind faith, prayer, and Scripture, leaving many unsure how to protect their hearts. By this article, I hope to capture snippets of faith-based strategies for coping, reclaiming back your peace and strengthening your soul for God, cause let’s face it, God has told you not to leave your marriage and did not offer you an explanation why.
What is Emotional and Spiritual Abuse?
Emotional and spiritual abuse often stroll in quietly, wrapped in moral language, supposed good intentions and polite as pie.
Emotional Abuse is a pattern of behavior that wounds a person’s sense of self e.g., chronic criticism, manipulation, or control and punishment through silence to erode the self-esteem and self-worth of a person.
Spiritual abuse looks similar but wears scripture and religious language as its mask. It commands, threatens, or instills moral pressure that twist faith into control and distorts scripture to add onto the emotional abuse.
These abuses rarely look evil, they sneak up on you and wear you down slowly and surely and by the time you realize what is happening, you are fighting for your life, your mental health, your spirituality. Your battle with God begins. You start questioning Him things like:
· “You confirmed that this was my husband, why is he acting like this?”
· “Are you punishing me for something that I did and forgot to repent about?”
· “Why won’t you allow me to leave this marriages so that i can have my peace?”
Just like Job’s situation, God will not answer you why but He will give you strength to endure and persevere until His goal is accomplished. He will stand by you through and through.
Spiritual abuse often sounds like religious correctness. Scripture is misquoted to sound like its God Himself ‘correcting’ you. Yet the words being spoken are full of control, pride and manipulation. And because it sounds holy, it takes time to recognize it as abuse. Abusers often disguise control as leadership, silence as peace, and guilt as conviction. The abuser’s greatest success is convincing you that enduring quietly is Godly. Newsflash! Its not!
A few examples of emotional and spiritual abuse:
Emotional:
- Constant put-downs, ridicule, name-calling, shaming in public and private.
- Monitoring and restricting who you see and interact with.
- Blames you for all problems and always fault-finding.
- Threats, intimidation and gaslighting.
- Financial control, withholding affection, silent treatment.
Spiritual:
- Scripture or religious texts that demand unquestioning obedience.
- Authoritarian spiritual leadership — only what they say goes.
- Sin-shaming, threats of divine punishment and speaking on behalf of God.
- Forced submission, Isolation, Spiritual manipulations.
- Punitive religious discipline, spiritual gaslighting.
Note: With both emotional and spiritual abuse, there is a distinct pattern and continuous persistence and insistence that just does not let up.
🌿 How to cope since leaving is not an option before God…
Please note very clearly, if you are in a physically abusive relationship, then leaving is the only option, to save your life and children. God does not advocate for violence in marriage. He created marriage as a sacred covenant to reflect His love, unity, and faithfulness. A divine partnership meant to glorify Him through companionship, commitment, and spiritual oneness. Not for punches and flying kicks at one’s pleasure.
But where there is no violence, and the Lord has convicted or instructed you not to leave, you can start reclaiming your peace and faith. Here are some of the tips one can use:
1. Shift Your Focus to God and not the Abuser — The more you fix your eyes on God, the smaller the abuser’s power feels.
Bible verse: Psalm 121:1–2 — “I lift up my eyes to the mountains — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
Tip: Begin your mornings with a prayer asking God to give you strength and reading a bible verse that so reminds you of God’s assured strength, not your spouse’s authority.
2. Guard Your Mind from What He Says — If the abuse is verbal (sometimes its non-verbal also known as silent treatment), learn to block out his words. Do not receive, accept nor agree with twisted scripture, negative words and hate speech. Not every word deserves space in your soul. Receiving them gives them power and authority over you, so reject them with your silent authority.
Please note that verbal abuse can also be through texts, chats and emails. Even written words shout, manipulate, ridicule and control.
Bible verse: Philippians 4:6–7: — “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”.
Tip: Keep a mental gate. Reject the words, do not keep replaying in your mind what has been said, that takes away the peace. Instead, keep yourself occupied. Pray, read, exercise, socialize etc. Keep your peace.
3. Your Faith in God is Your Shield and Defense — Trust in God’s sovereignty despite the abuse. Your identity and worth are sealed in Christ, not defined by circumstances. His written word tells us that He is always with us and will not give us challenges that we cannot handle. Believe in promises, they will give you an unseen power and fearlessness. Even your abuser will take notice!
Bible verse: Ephesians 6: 14–17 — Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Tip: Pray this prayer scripture daily. God is your protector always.
4. Refuse to Engage in Verbal Battles — You do not have to answer back to prove that you have strength. Silence chosen for peace is powerful. Verbal exchanges will give your abuser power and ammunition to use against you i.e., he/she will use your own words against you.
Bible Verse: Proverbs 15:1 — “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Tip: Breathe and silently count to twenty. Say a simple prayer like: “Lord, please hold my tongue not to participate in this exchange.,” and step away from confrontation. You win by not participating.
5. Have no Expectations from him i.e., zero expectations. — Expecting change from someone unwilling to change keeps hope tied to a continuous cycle of disappointment. Focus on who you can be through God’s grace.
Bible verse: 1 Peter 5:7 — “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
Tip: Zero expectations equals zero disappointment. This protects your heart from pain and bitterness.
6. Build a Private Sanctuary with God — You can heal without anyone knowing. Journaling, prayer, worship, and reflection create a sacred space for your soul. Fill up your atmosphere with messages that lift your spirit toward wholeness. These could be listening to sermons, podcasts, worship songs etc.
Bible verse: Matthew 6:6 — “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
Tip: Keep a prayer journal that focuses on positivity i.e. of gratitude, hope, and God’s faithfulness. God’s word will give you perspective, knowledge and understanding.
7. Find a Prayer Partner — One trusted pastor/friend can hold your hand spiritually. A prayer partner does not fix things, God does. But through this prayer partner, you get to have someone to talk to and help you through the situation as you wait for God.
Bible verse: Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 — “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.”
Tip: Choose someone who listens more than advice, who speaks life and is grounded in the word and things of God.
8. Remember: God Sees. God Records. God Redeems — You are not unseen. God does not side with cruelty. He may allow your situation to happen as He prepares/teaches you resilience, clarity, and eventual restoration. Remember, everything we go through is to help someone else in a similar situation.
Bible verse: Psalm 145:18 — “The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.”
Tip: “God is not the author of my pain. He is the Keeper of my healing.” Have encouraging notes in your own space/phone where only you can see and not your abuser.
🌤️ What Healing Begins to Feel Like
Healing begins subtly:
- Panic eases.
- Guilt loses its grip.
- Inner peace and calm returns.
- Moments of joy return.
- Boldness appears.
- God’s love is recognizable again — not through fear, but through freedom.
You can still be married yet spiritually free. You can endure without internalizing the abuse as its power over you has been removed by God. I imagine this, the abuser is left throwing punches in the dark, yet you are not in the room with them. They are expending their own energy and will eventually get tired. And when they do get tired, then God begins to deal with them.
I believe God keeps us in marriage for the following few reasons(it’s not exhaustive):
- Full obedience and surrender to Him even when it does not make sense
- To build your faith, trust and reliance on Him.
- To unlock your wisdom, knowledge and understanding of Him.
- To know your purpose in life i.e., why He created you.
- To change your life-goals from personal/selfish goals to Kingdom-oriented goals.
- Through you, He makes your home a strong tower,
- Devil’s plan to destroy marriages and homes is thwarted
- To release certain blessings on you are only activated in marriage and not when in singlehood/divorced/separated.
- To continuously seek and rely on Him.
- To make you a helper of others going through the same situation.
✨ Closing Reflection
Faith is meant to make you strong. If the light in your home has dimmed, light a candle in your spirit and God is the fuel that will keep it burning.
Healing is not necessarily found in leaving. Sometimes it begins with seeing, guarding, and believing again, even in the shadows. And when your heart starts healing, no amount of control and manipulation can take that freedom away.
God is in full control! Shalom!
