What would you say if your partner told you they saw a bird today? Would you mumble noncommittally, or ask a follow-up question?
You might be surprised to know that thousands of people on TikTok and Instagram would judge you if you chose the former.
According to the “bird theory”, a resurgent talking point on social media, showing curiosity about such a minor event proves you’re genuinely interested in your partner. This, in turn, means you have a good relationship.
Is it really that deep? Or does it reveal something more fundamental about how we think about romance right now? Here are the dos and don’ts of bird theory – and the science-backed reasons this trend hits such a nerve.
What is the bird theory?
In 2022, the researcher and psychologist Julie Gottman explained the concept of a “bid for connection” in the New York Times. She explained it is best defined as an attempt to receive attention, affirmation or affection from a partner.
She gave an example: “Wow, look at that beautiful bird out the window!” This simple exclamation is an invitation for a partner to notice something with you.
Bids can be verbal or nonverbal, small or big, negative or positive. It could be letting out an exasperated sigh, or making a direct ask for a date night. Regardless of the bid itself, “turning towards” or acknowledging it is key, according to Gottman.
Gottman and her husband, John, developed a theory about relationships based on bids for connection after tracking newlyweds for six years, starting in 1986. The Gottmans’ research found that couples who stayed together responded to bids about 86% of the time. The couples who divorced responded with an average of 33%.
Today, John Gottman says this research is the basis for “the bird test”, although it’s unclear when social media first grabbed onto the concept. One popular Reddit post from four years ago seems to reference the study, writing: “If a wife says ‘look at that beautiful bird’ and the husband blows it off, that’s a strong indication they’ll divorce.”
Why did the bird theory go viral?
Couples therapists have talked about bids for connection long before they trended online, says Landis Behar, a licensed psychotherapist and owner of AisleTalk, a private practice focused on relationships. She says the term is now mentioned by patients in part because it “puts into words a very well-known but less-spoken-about phenomenon”.
By providing language for what some people are feeling, trends like the bird theory can validate experiences, says Behar. They can also serve as a springboard for a broader discussion with your therapist, friends or (ideally) your partner.
Efforts like bids are ultimately attempts to establish a sense of shared reality, explains Paul Eastwick, a University of California, Davis professor who studies relationships. Happy relationships tend to comprise people who share a worldview and feel like part of a team, he says.
Can the bird theory help couples?
Relationship satisfaction increases when people are attuned to the big things and small day-to-day moments, says Behar. This is especially true in longer relationships, where big moments, such as saying “I love you” or moving in together, become rarer.
“The idea is that we want our partners to help us capitalize on good feelings,” says Joanne Davila, a distinguished professor of psychology at Stony Brook University. Studies show that when people do this in romantic relationships, and their partner responds with enthusiasm, they are more likely to have a healthy relationship.
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Bids may also relate to attachment theory, she explains – the idea that the attachment styles we form in childhood, whether avoidant or anxious, continue to shape our emotional needs and expectations as adults. How successfully we understand and can communicate these needs influences our romantic success. Davila’s research suggests that three skills in particular – self-awareness, communicating needs and managing feelings – can lead to greater security and satisfaction in relationships.
“We all need to know that our partner is interested in us,” says Davila. We can seek out this information in adaptive or maladaptive ways. The bird test, she explains, is on the benign end of this spectrum: it’s a way of getting some information about whether your partner is paying attention to your interests, but it’s not a substitute for really assessing if there’s a problem in the relationship.
Happy couples do not have to respond to 100% of all bids, but the partners who are the best match for us are the ones who care about and respond to what we’re looking for emotionally, says Davila.
How to use the bird theory
Discuss the theory itself: If it’s random for you to bring up a bird, your partner may respond with confusion. That doesn’t mean they’ve “failed”, says Behar. A better approach, she explains, is to use the bird theory as a starting point for the conversation. Instead of just mentioning that you’ve spotted a finch or an eagle without context, you can explain to your partner why the concept resonated with you. But ultimately, you shouldn’t diagnose your relationship based on one moment, says Eastwick.
Learn more about your partner’s bids for attention: “People have different ways of showing how they care,” says Davila. “It’s important for us to get to know our partners’ styles.” Something that may seem unimportant to you – like saying yes to a walk, or trying food your partner prepared – could be a bid you’re missing.
It’s worth noting that “bids aren’t an intervention that you implement and insert into your relationship”, says Behar. They happen all the time, though some may be more obvious than others. What’s critical is paying attention to the unique ways your partner makes these bids and how you engage with them, and build an atmosphere where people can be direct about their feelings and needs, she explains.
Be realistic: Interpret reactions in context, says Davila. If your bid for attention is ignored during the season finale of a show or when your partner is stressed with work, it says less about your relationship and more about the general nature of attention. Social media trends can prompt interesting conversations, but can also be misused as tried-and-true ways to assess romance.
“You need to be a critical thinker,” says Davila. “Social media can be a learning opportunity, but not everything we see on social media needs to apply to us.”
