i hope you achieve everything in your life , my dear. though now i can only celebrate from a distance.
i often say to my friends that i’ve moved on from you. that your laughters no longer lingers in the back of my mind. like the sound of your whispers doesn’t echo in the deepest depths of my own heart.
but when i’m drowning in solitude , my mind went back to certain periods of times that contains yourself in it. when i am drowning in self hatred and the first person i want to tell is you. when i achieve something and i have to fight the urge to tell you about it.
those are the moments where the universe proved that i haven’t , even slightly moved on from you.
i said that i have moved on from you . but when the smallest of things happens – when a certain song is played, when laughters sounds slightly like yours , when i came across a joke that i know you’ll laugh at ,
everything leads me back to you.
every path i took to forget you somehow managed to bring me back to you.
when it is late at night and “i wish you would” by taylor swift is playing, i recall everything that we’ve been through. all the what ifs that remains a question when it’s supposed to be the answer to all our fears, the possibility of you and me being us and the version of us that doesn’t exist, but would have if only you would take the chance.
all of the possibilities of us lose to one actuality that we both agree on – you wouldn’t.
you wouldn’t take the chance while it is still there, you wouldn’t come back and remember what we were fighting for, you wouldn’t tell me that i matter to you like how you do to me, you wouldn’t risk making me your only exception because of the sacrifices that you have to go through, you wouldn’t.
but how badly i wished you would (i still wish you would)
i wish you would come back, be here and we could begin again . i wish you would look at me and tell me that you would risk it for the possibility of us to be an actuality. i wish you would .
i have your number deleted, your instagram blocked and i try my best to not look into those pair of eyes anymore.
but no matter how i try to get rid of you,
i could never get rid of this lingering feelings that i got whenever i think about you,
i could never remove you from myself because you were all i’d ever known,
i could never forget you even when my mind wants me to, because all my heart long for is you.
you became a part of myself that i could never remove.
and now i’m supposed to love you from a distance , like it is nothing ?
like it is instant?
when all the late-nights texts turns into the urge that i have to fight. the urge to text you , the urge to tell you everything and anything that i experienced , the urge to just tell you that i miss you longer than i have ever known you.
i know that you need time to fix yourself and i do as well. i know that we could just begin again when we are the bestest versions of ourselves.
but what if by the time we are “good enough” for each other, our love has gone cold? what if you are already intertwining your soul with somebody else? what if by the time we are ready, the universe won’t let us be together anymore?
the clock is ticking , time is passing by, we are slowly changing ourselves .
while you still have time , please graple onto my hands, my dear.
we still have time to fix this, to fix us.
unless you want to throw all of these possibilities of us happening away, unless that you never want us to happen, unless you simply feel like it’s a dread to have me around.
am i the easiest thing that you could get rid of ? of all the things that are filling your plate, you chose to get rid of me when all this time , i thought i was the home that you are willing to come back to.
even after all these times , i still choose you . despite all of tears i’ve shed because of you, despite all of the journal entries i’ve written, it is still you. even when i know you are not enough for me. i thought we could work out on that. that we could reconcile and communicate how we could be better for ourselves and each other.
i was silly enough to think that you would also do the same .
again, we both know that you wouldn’t.
also, i heard you aced your recent exams . congratulations , i promise i won’t call.
but if someday, somehow , fate let you come to your senses and you realise that after your pillars crumble down, when you’ve lost all solid ground , both dreams and demons drown and the only void you found is the warmth of my presence,
please, don’t hesitate to call me .
text me, if you are busy.
because i promise , i would answer in a heartbeat if you actually did.
in the rarest of case, that i do cross your mind,
you better know, you always cross mine .
