I know that headline sounds harsh, especially when so many of us get so hurt when we are ghosted. In this modern realm of dating, ghosting is such a common occurrence. In some scenarios, it seems appropriate or expected, but what about when you really were clicking with a person? Maybe they ghosted you out of no where, maybe they ghosted you right before a date, maybe they waited until after you’ve met and hung out and all of a sudden decided this wasn’t what they wanted. Who knows right?
That’s the part that leaves such hurt and confusion behind, because when I genuinely start to find chemistry with someone, I’d really like to know why they ghosted. More often than not, we don’t get that explanation. Too often, having to explain your thoughts and feelings seems too challenging and intimate in the current dating climate; and most people opt out of having to do any emotional labor in favor of hopping back on the apps and finding the next person. It’s becoming far too acceptable for people to get hooked on the chasing part of the game, but never the investment.
It becomes obvious who these people are fairly quickly. If you’ve been in the dating world as long as I have, you’ve seen and heard so many things that I now consider to be red flags right off the bat. People will hit you with the love bombs, the fantasies about the future, the projections of a relationship that doesn’t even exist yet (since we only matched like, what, yesterday?). These are the type of folks that are dead giveaways that they are gigantic time-wasters. Some time wasters can be beautiful and fun, but at the end of the day, they aren’t people with any range of emotional maturity or seriousness. You cannot emotionally get attached to these types of people. It’s only a matter of time before they ghost you or do you dirty and move on to the next person. And it’s a ghost or be ghosted world.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve gotten really sick of being ghosted, which is perhaps a very jaded way of assessing my way out of a potential fling. Let me be clear, in no realm do I ghost anyone who’s been decent and forthright. Anyone that has the decency to properly communicate, has healthy boundaries, and (of course) passes the “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” check, by all means, that person deserves respect. Ghosting (for me) is only reserved for the time-wasters. A dose of their own medicine, if you will.
I matched with a guy on an app once; we had immediate chemistry, lots of things in common, and he was charming. We made plans for a date; two days before, the texts and calls grew cold. Almost non-existent. The day of the date came, and I expressed my concern for the hot and then cold demeanor, to which I got no response. I had been ghosted.
By sheer luck, I ran into this person in real life about a week later. It was insanely coincidental happenstance, at an event with literally thousands of people. He wanted to talk with me, and started back up with texting again. He had no legitimate excuse for ghosting, and gave me nothing more than “I’m sorry” for doing it. I realized that, ah, I have a gigantic time waster on my hands.
So as we text and talk, he starts dropping the love bombs and the projections. He keeps reiterating how much we have in common, how we can hit the gym together and watch certain fantasy shows and movies we both liked. I knew this was all lies, but I became aware of the fact that I have been playing this game from the wrong perspective. I had to consider – why was I allowing myself to get played? What was my end goal here since I know this guy is a huge waste of space?
I knew he was very attractive, and I was bored with trying to fill empty cups. I met up with him, we hung out once. I made it seem like I was super into him; I laughed at all his jokes, I sweetly cuddled and swooned over him. And when it was all over, he thought he had my attention, but I blocked him before I even buckled up to go home. Because it was only a matter of time before this walking red flag tried to hook me in for good and then do me dirty. After that night, if he tried to text or call, it sucks to be ghosted, I guess.
As bad as this sounds, the lesson I’ve had to learn is I am no longer dating to marry. I am no longer dating to find “true love” if that even exists. This modern age has twisted and warped every hopeful idea of finding a true ride or die. Too many people out here are expecting to find the person of their dreams only to get played, screwed over, and lied to time and time again. This is simply my experience as a single woman who has been in the dating field for nearly a decade. I find that too many rare gems get invested in their feelings about dating and finding “the one”, rather than keeping it superficial and impersonal like the majority do. This is the status quo anymore, and I have realized that I have to let go of this vision of finding a life-long partner in order to survive out here. The expectations are only setting me up to fail; I expect other people to be honest and decent because that’s how I am, and I had it all wrong.
Now, I am dating purely for fun. I am dating for experiences to meet new people. I am dating casually, I will not devote all my time and energy into a relationship. I do not ever want to lose my identity (hobbies, friends, activities) all for the sake of finding somebody. The truth is, I should have had this mindset all along. I am finding contentment and happiness within myself and the life I already have. Overinvesting and having expectations for love has gotten me hurt and used.
In the meantime, if you meet a person that doesn’t exhibit all the red flags, great. Go slow, stay casual, take your time. Something real takes time to learn and invest in. Follow your gut on whether or not their person is being honest with you.
But if you get connected with a time waster? Ghost them.
