About two years ago I went through a really rough breakup. It went on for months really – a toxic relationship I knew I had to leave, but lacked the strength to. I never used to be the best at letting people go.
Thankfully he ended up ghosting me. I wasn’t thankful at the time, though, it felt like a piece of my heart had been ripped from me. I have a deep rooted fear of being left, which is why I always try to leave first. But with him. . I couldn’t.
The breakup did a real number on me, not just because he left but because of what came after. Backstabbing, slander, betrayal after betrayal. I was heartbroken and homeless, with nobody to trust.
Since then, I’ve barely bothered with dating. The odd hookup, nothing more. Recently I’ve been interested in the idea again, but I’m still so hesitant about it.
Naturally, when your heart severely is damaged it can be scary to love in case it happens again. But I delved deeper and realised that that’s not what I’m afraid of.
I’ve been left in the dirt and become stronger for it. I know that it’s hard and painful but I know that I can survive it. What I’m afraid of is if I try to love but realise I can’t.
When ‘Love’ lets you down so deeply, or causes so much pain, it can kind of lose its significance. The passion you once had, the way you loved without bounds, without condition. . it doesn’t have the same electricity to it.
Don’t get me wrong, I still love people deeply, but more in a ‘I care for humanity’ type of way. I’m not sure I have the energy, the will, the desire to love again.
And I think that’s what I’m most afraid of. . . not a broken heart, but finding out that my heart can no longer break.
