How to stay steady instead of overthinking, chasing, or shutting down.
People talk about wanting someone who is “on the same page.” They say things like, “I want somebody who gets me,” or “I need the relationship to feel mutual.”
Ten years ago, I didn’t have the language for that. I didn’t know how to talk about the feeling of not being matched in direction, pace, or effort. I would have just assumed someone was doing something wrong. I would have blamed them or blamed myself. I would have made it concrete because concrete is easier to argue about. I wasn’t really comfortable with the unknown or with even my own discomfort.
So, I would have found something tangible to fight about — the dishes, the schedule, the tone of voice — and I would have missed the real issue entirely. I didn’t know how to say, “Something is shifting between us and I don’t know what it means.” I didn’t have the words for, “We just aren’t moving in the same way anymore and I am globally disappointed.”
Most people still don’t, so they do the same thing I did.
They look for the nearest explanation they can grab and argue about that instead. That’s why we read so many articles about “Susan gaining weight” and “Todd not…
