The grief came out of nowhere and I wasn’t ready for it!
Grief isn’t reserved for bereavement, it’s the loss of the present, the routine, and the loss of a future you no longer have. Whether that’s the end of a relationship, redundancy, retirement, terminal illness, disability, the loss of a pet or any other reason that involves your life changing unexpectedly, the emotion and the cycle of pain we can go through is the same.
I wasn’t prepared recently for how hard grief knocks you down; how it sits on your chest and suffocates every last ounce of your being until you forget there’s any other way to feel. This happened suddenly for me when my relationship ended. Now, I’ve ended a few relationships in my time, but usually by the time I’ve walked away I’ve been through enough pain that leaving was a relief. But on this occasion, we loved and cared for each other very deeply, but we saw a different future for ourselves and knew it just wouldn’t work in the end.
When it hit me that it was over, I quickly understood why some choose to take their own life when their relationship ends; I felt it, I still feel it in waves if I’m being completely honest. For clarity, I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) so ending my life is pretty much where my thoughts go at all times as a baseline, it’s not fun, but I’ve learned to manage it better over the years to avoid harming myself. The grief was unbearable, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat (I really tried), I would start crying suddenly and just wanted the world to stop because I knew nothing but Time would make me feel better, and I just couldn’t wait that long.
I’ve read so many articles on what’s happening in our bodies when we grieve, on how our physical and emotion pain is dealt with in the same region of the brain, and when our stress response is activated we’re flooded with so many chemical reactions it’s no wonder we feel like we’re going crazy and don’t see an end to it. I wish we were taught about emotional regulation from a young age, but I guess mental health awareness is better than it used to be…we still have a way to go though.
As a society (in the UK anyway) we’re not very good at dealing with the emotional pain of others. We hide grief from our family and friends so we don’t worry them, and we don’t know what to say to someone who is going through pain so we avoid them. Those who do stick around try their best to give you hope that it will all be ok, and that ‘it’ll make you stronger’ etc, which is little comfort when you’re deep in emotional trauma and can’t see how it will ever be ok again.
So if you’re going through pain right now, allow yourself to feel every heart breaking raw emotion your body wants you to. Cry, scream, watch TV and ignore everyone for a while, but when it comes to friends and family, don’t pretend to them that you’re ok. Allow them to bring you food, accept their offer of a walk or coffee, and try to keep those around you who allow you to just be miserable without shame. Like any loss, there’s no easy fix, we just learn to live with the changes that were forced upon us. Even though you can’t see it yet, eventually the pain will lessen over time, hang in there.
If you know someone who is going through any form of emotional turmoil, take them food packages, offer a coffee (other beverages are available) or if they don’t want to see anyone, drop a snack or drink off at their door and leave them a message to say it’s there. Respect their privacy. After all we can only offer our support to others, we can’t fix it for them.
At this moment I still can’t see what my future looks like a month later, but I have hope it will work out for the best, and that’s the only thought that keeps me going. Do I believe it’s for the best? Right now, not really. I’m still struggling with the waves of pain and hopelessness and lack of sleep, but it’s becoming less frequent. That alone gives me hope.
By Heather Louise
NB: There’s a few books I’ve listened to over the years (because I love an audio book) which have given me some tools to help me either reframe my thoughts, figure out how to deal with emotions or just someone sharing their journey and hoping it will help someone else. I’ve noted just a couple here that you can check out if it’s something you’re interested in.
Mel Robbins — The Let Them Theory, Helen Russell — How to be Sad and I highly recommend listening to Paul Mort Will Save Your Life by Paul Mort.
