When I first realised I was in a toxic relationship, it didn’t happen overnight. Like many people caught in the cycle of emotional abuse, I kept asking myself: why didn’t I see the signs sooner? In Love Shouldn’t Hurt, I share my story not as a detached observer but as someone who has felt the confusing mix of love and pain. Understanding why we miss the red flags is the first step toward healing.
The seductive beginning of toxic love
Most toxic relationships begin with intensity and charm. They make you feel seen, heard and valued. You might search for phrases like signs of a toxic relationship, toxic relationship red flags, or why people stay in toxic relationships and still not recognise the pattern because, at first, everything feels right. That’s the trap: you’re not just attached to the person, you’re attached to the version of them that made you feel loved.
The slow shift from love to manipulation
Toxic behaviour rarely arrives all at once. A cruel comment here, a controlling question there. You tell yourself it’s nothing. You hold onto hope because hope feels safer than heartbreak. Soon you’re Googling gaslighting signs, emotional abuse vs tough love, and how to recognise toxic love, hoping to make sense of the confusion. The book explains that toxic people mix kindness with cruelty, keeping you hooked on the highs and terrified of the lows. That cycle of abuse and apology creates an emotional addiction; you start living for their approval, terrified of losing their affection.
Why we ignore the red flags
We stay because we’re taught that love is supposed to be hard, that we have to earn it. If you grew up around unhealthy examples of affection, dysfunction feels familiar. Searching for trauma bonding, why victims stay in abusive relationships, or co‑dependent relationships might lead you down a rabbit hole of psychology, but the truth is simpler: you cling to the hope that things will go back to the way they were. I remember thinking loyalty meant holding on no matter what, but sometimes loyalty to someone else becomes betrayal to yourself.
Another reason we miss the signs is because toxic love teaches us to doubt our own perception. Gaslighting makes you question your memory and your reality. You search am I in a toxic relationship? and then convince yourself you’re overreacting. It’s no surprise that why do I keep attracting toxic partners and how to stop dating narcissists are popular search phrases; self‑blame is part of the trap.
Breaking denial and facing reality
Denial feels safe. You tell yourself “it’s not that bad” or “they’ll change” because admitting the truth means facing loss. For a long time, I lived in that fog. I thought love meant endurance and patience. The book explains that there comes a point when the cost of pretending outweighs the comfort of not knowing. When you face reality, healing begins. You start searching how to leave a toxic relationship, setting boundaries that protect you, no contact rule, and healing after emotional abuse. You learn that love should bring peace to your soul, not chaos to your heart.
Reclaiming your clarity and worth
The journey toward clarity is messy and non‑linear. You’ll likely read about healing after narcissistic abuse, rebuilding self‑worth, recovering from emotional trauma, and self‑love journey. The important thing is to remember you’re not alone. I’ve lived through the confusion of loving someone who slowly took away the very parts of me I was trying to share. Seeing the truth means untangling from lies and remembering that real love isn’t supposed to make you anxious, scared or small.
As you unlearn the idea that love must be earned, you rediscover your voice and begin searching for how to trust yourself again and healthy relationship signs. You’ll realise that the first breath you take after leaving a toxic relationship feels like freedom. You’ll explore mental health books for women, healing from trauma, setting boundaries, and learning to love again.
We deserve a love that’s gentle, not heavy; a connection that grounds us, not drains us. The moment you stop accepting pain as proof of devotion is the moment you begin to heal.
- Have you ever ignored red flags because you thought love meant enduring pain?
- What small sign helped you realise a relationship was toxic?
Comment your answers below.
For more information relating to recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship please click the link to find out more: https://booksbydouglas.com/products/love-shouldnt-hurt-book
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