When they asked me what love really is, I caught myself speechless. It is not because I have not been in love, but I realized I never really knew what love actually is or what love should look like.
I keep digging in my memory of what my earliest definition of love. As I scavenge through it, I wonder, is it love when they leave you for awhile so they can attend to some important matter? My innocent heart would say yes, but my adult mind would say no. Because how can love be a leaver when they say love stays?
So, I keep digging in memories until I saw a memory of my younger self, confused of what to believe. She was told it was out love when you got hurt by someone who supposedly be your protector; and until now, my adult mind could not comprehend how can someone hurt someone they love when they say love nurtures?
There are so many simple things my adult mind could not comprehend about what love actually is. Because when you look into my perspective, love showed me the opposite of what it should look like. So, who should I believe now? Is it the love the world portrays or the love that life showed and taught me?
Because they said love is not always loud, and so I find comfort in silence; only to feel unseen and uncared for. I felt neglected; only receiving love and warmth when it is convenient for them. And only because they said love is not always present; I believed I was loved when my absence does not matter to them.
It is so sad how my adult mind cannot simply define the complexity of love when the younger ones have finally cradle into their own happy endings. How can I be so clueless of the depth of love? Was it because I don’t know love? Or is it because I am too busy trying to learn how they can love me more rather than loving myself?
There is so much complexity about love, but how can love not be given to a child? If love cannot be biology and obligation, then I do not know what is. Is it not commitment? Because they say, a child is born out of commitment, yet a child can be left alone to fend for themselves.
So tell me, what love actually is?
When this world is teaching me that love is too complex that even an adult could not understand. Because how can it be love when too much is abuse, too less is negligence, and equal parts is just too ideal and unattainable?
So I guess, love is just an intertwine of mysteries no one can ever understand. (#)
