What would happen if you turned to your partner and said, “Babe, I saw a bird this morning!” Would they ignore you? Or would they ask you about the bird, where you saw it, and what it looked like?
According to the viral “bird theory” on TikTok, a sweet and loving partner will show some interest and start asking questions about the seemingly mundane statement. On the flip side, TikTok users think it’s very telling if your partner brushes off your bird comments and moves on with their day.
On the app, couples are testing out the “bird theory” and the results are a hilarious mixed bag, but it’s also starting a conversation about healthy relationships. When @lania.ny said she saw a bird, her boyfriend was confused at first, then said, “Really? That’s awesome,” and they both high-fived. In her caption, she wrote, “OK, he passed.”
When @therealsillyilly told her girlfriend she saw a bird in a clip shared Oct. 23, she reacted with initial interest, and then confusion. “That’s good you saw a bird,” she said, before adding, “A bird? You saw a living bird? OK.” Mentioning you saw a bird is a simple statement, but according to this theory, the way your partner reacts to it can reveal so much. Here, a therapist weighs in.
What Is The “Bird Theory”?
According to Leigh Norén, MSc, a sex and relationship therapist, the bird theory is an example of a “bid for attention,” or a small attempt to connect with your partner.
It’s something couples do all day long without even realizing it, like when you point out a pretty sunset or your partner mentions they had an amazing sandwich for lunch. Even though these moments are mundane, it feels good when you receive a tiny spark of acknowledgement. A simple, “Yay, you love sandwiches” or “Wow, yea that sunset is nice,” would suffice.
Bids for attention can be verbal, like in the case of the bird theory, but they can also be non-verbal. “For instance, if you’re scrolling on your phone and something makes you laugh, ideally you’d like your partner to ask you what’s so funny,” Norén tells Bustle. It would show that they’re present in the room with you and interested in your life.
A non-verbal bid might look like reaching for your partner’s hand in the grocery store or cuddling up with them on the couch. If they put their arm around you, that’s them receiving your bid for attention. If they keep scrolling on their phone or act like you aren’t there, it’s sort of like a rejection.
When a partner engages with your bid for attention, it means they’re turning toward you and showing interest, Norén says, and that’s a good thing. “How, and how often, we respond to our partner’s bids for attention reveals relationship health and predicts relationship longevity,” she says.
If your partner blows you off, acts annoyed over small conversation starters, or doesn’t stop what they’re doing to engage with you — even if only for half a second — it could be a sign that the health of your relationship is suffering or that it won’t last long-term, she says.
While it’s OK to be busy, distracted, or tired, ignoring each other regularly isn’t healthy. “Missing bids for attention can and will happen, even in the best of relationships,” Norén adds. “But if your partner mostly ignores your connection attempts, it starts to erode trust and intimacy, and can make you feel unloved and unseen. Over time, this usually leads to increased conflict as well.”
The Theory Has Its Flaws
While the bird theory has roots in real relationship dynamics, Norén recommends viewing it as a silly TikTok trend. It’s amusing to watch people wonder why their partner is mentioning a blue jay they saw five hours ago, especially if the topic is completely unrelated.
“It’s random enough that someone might not react the way they would to anything else you share, because it’s likely out of the ordinary — unless you’re an avid bird-watcher or your partner is,” says Norén. And that makes the test unreliable. It’s why @therealsillyilly’s girlfriend didn’t ask about the bird enthusiastically. It doesn’t mean their relationship is on the rocks. She was just confused.
It also isn’t always the best idea to “test” your relationship. “Once you start doing that, you head into tricky territory,” Norén says. “Because essentially you’ve stopped asking for what you want and you’ve started checking if your partner is able to read your mind or not.”
That said, if you’ve noticed your partner ignores your bids for attention in other ways, it’s definitely time for a chat. “It starts by acknowledging it,” she says. “Sharing that it makes you sad when your partner doesn’t respond when you share stuff — and telling them what you would like instead.”
Source:
Leigh Norén, MSc, sex and relationship therapist
