Don’t let one moment of failure ruin the whole day.
The truth is, we tend to see one moment of what may feel like failure at the time, greater than what it is — one moment.
One day walking my dog there was minor incident — no one got hurt; nonetheless, it left me shaken. For the rest of the walk I replayed the incident with different ways I could have prevented or responded better. I was so focused on what I did wrong giving myself no room to see everything I did right.
When we returned home upon being asked how the walk went, I blurted out terrible — and told them what happend. As I was telling the story, as if there were a switch that was flipped in my mind, I realized…the rest of the walk — before and after the “incident,” wasn’t bad at all. In fact, it was a peaceful, happy walk for both of us.
Instead of focusing on the present moment, and letting that, not so great moment pass, I held onto it. What was less than thirty seconds of my life, felt like thirty minutes because I was focusing on where we were — for a moment, unsuccessful.
But the truth is that we were actually more successful than we were unsuccessful. For the rest of the walk, my dog walked happily next to me. Him living completely in the moment unphased by a few barks. Me stressed and frustrated.
So, if the walk was actually really great from a grander perspective, then why did I blurt out how terrible it was? It wasn’t terrible at all. Even as I was telling the story, I started thinking to myself… “Am I hearing myself right now? That’s not that bad. Nothing happened, we got a little off track but got right back to it and had a nice walk afterall. Why am I saying it was terrible?”
I was doing so, because my nervous system needs reparenting. My parenting taught me — to put myself down, always point out what I did wrong and how I should be better.
That’s what my mind does. That’s what my brain was trained to do. My inner voice immediently began to pick apart my whole self. Unfortunately, this is what happens to many of us. We grow up with adults and guardians who have unregulated nervous systems, unhealed trauma themselves and those wounds…they leak into you. We are born into households where one parent fears losing control and another who equates powerlessness with love.
If you grew up in a dictator — submissive household all of this might sound familiar. In psychological terms, this is household that is defined by control and compliance — where one parent maintains power through dominance, while others learn to survive through obedience, silence or appeasement.
It’s not built on love — but heirarchy. The dictator’s authority becomes the emotional environment — one that resembles a climate full of unpredictable weather. A household that feels like the silent winds before a hurricane. The temperamental clouds before a tornado — unstable, changeable and unmanageable. The submissive parent learns to read moods like weather clouds. Shrinking themselves to maintain peace. Over time, naturally, individuality erodes. Authenticity is replaced with performance. The nervous system of the submissive parent learns quiet means safety.
For me, growing up in a household like this looked like one parent constantly critisizing and chastizing while the other parent stayed silent to protect themselves. It was being told that I wasn’t good enough — that I needed to be better. When I completed a task to 99% perfection, the focus was on the missing 1%.
Eventually, the submissive learned to copy the dictator resulting in both parenting this way; but for different reasons:
The dictator to pull you down; because if you became too confident — they lose the control their insecurity feeds on.
The submissive as a result of conditioning done by their spouse, they understand that finding fault with — means love.
My achievements went uncelebrated and accomplishments overlooked. Now as an adult, my inner voice becomes one full of fear, criticizing and berating — reprimanding instead of encouraging.
Our minds are powerful; but we control them — we teach them how to perceive things, how to respond rather than react. How to reflect and grow, which thoughts to hold onto and those to let go. Most of the time, our inner voice becomes the voice of our parents.
This is why it’s important to reparent yourself in your healing journey.
Reparent yourself so that instead of your mind scolding you, it holds compassion for you. Reparent yourself so that instead of focusing on all the things you did wrong — you focus on all the things you did right. Reparent yourself so that your inner voice is no longer a mind-enemy, but a mind-friend.
Healing begins when we reclaim our autonomy. When we redefine safety and learn to live not by fear, but by self-trust.
It’s a continuous learning journey but you are not alone. It will take moments where you may need to pause and self reflect; but each time you do, you’re healing a little piece of that inner child.
Instead of scolding myself for a moment of percieved failure, reparenting gave me compliments and praise — allowing me to see how great the walk actually was. The ability to feel my feelings without guilt allowed me to understand I didn’t have to hold onto them. No longer was I feeling frustrated as much as proud.
The more I’m able to understand the idea of reparenting and do this self reflection more naturally, the more I’m able to live in the present and have a mind-friend.
So the next time you have a moment of “failure”, before you beat yourself up — pause and ask yourself where were you successful. I bet you’ll find that you have more successes than failures.
