I am a 48-year-old man. Both my wife and I come from a conservative background; we believe that sex before marriage is a sin and saved ourselves until we got married in our early 30s. Before getting married, I masturbated but never had any real sex. Our first night turned out to be a disaster. I couldn’t get an erection. However, as the days passed, we managed to have sex but not to my wife’s satisfaction, because I finished within 30 seconds of penetration.
I think I suffer from both erectile dysfunction (ED) and premature ejaculation (PE). My ED is not consistent – I have been prescribed Viagra and use it sometimes – but my PE continues, and is taking a toll on us. My wife is uninterested in sex because she doesn’t get anything out of it. It has been about 15 years now and we have two kids but our sex life has not improved. I tried couples counselling but that was more about building a bond between us (which I believe is not an issue as we love each other and can’t think about being with someone else). The only missing piece in our life is satisfying sex. I would do anything to satisfy my wife but I am feeling helpless.
This may seem radical to you, but a woman does not need a penis in order to be satisfied. I recommend that you learn how to give her an orgasm before you penetrate her. There are many places to find instruction about doing this, but basically you need to learn where her clitoris is and how you can touch her in an arousing and ultimately satisfying manner. Embarking on this type of exploration may seem daunting but if you can approach it as a loving couple you may be successful. Of course, your wife will have to be willing to work on this, so you will have to talk to her first and be sure she consents. The best way forward would really be to work as a couple with a good sex therapist, who could also treat your early ejaculation.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
