Apologies to my newer genZ’s if I’m not
Sex has been at the forefront of my mind lately, whether or like it or not. It’s entirely possible I have always been this way and I’m finally unpacking it — either way, navigating any relationships, let alone sexual, seem equally unrealistic as they do enigmatic and auspicious; at this time specifically.
It has been established that I am experiencing my midlife crisis a bit early and I’m sure that one day I will be thankful for it, especially concerning the growth that my goals demand of me, it just seems like so much at once right now, which we’ve all heard about adulthood.
I broke up with, well everybody, but this one specific person recently — via text. It wasn’t up to me, I offered company and a conversation that clearly needed to be had, but it was turned down.
He wished me well on my search for a man, when, if he knew anything about me, he would know he’d be better off wishing me luck finding a job.
However, my kneejerk response was to tell him how he could improve on breaking up with people. For example, I should not have had to initiate that conversation.
So, I did, and I asked politely that he not respond and I archived the text. Soon he’ll be blocked. I wish him well on his endeavors. I am probably the problem.
What would he have done otherwise, ghost me? Had I slept with him, would he have felt the need to further perform or just slowly disappear as if a mutual decision could exist without a conversation? Should I know if we’re no longer dating, or should I wait for the next full moon?
Actually, a mutual decision can exist without a conversation, but that only implies an underlying comfort with confusion or indecision — in which case I was a hostage to begin with.
This is part of my itch with the whole ENM thing but that’s an entirely different rant.
I am fully aware that I am not in the position to be in romantic relations with anyone for the time being, hence breaking up with everyone, but there’s something beyond loneliness that I was exploring with overwhelmingly pointless bids for connection.
I need to be alone and I crave being embraced,
but first I need a job, so mouth tape and a weighted blanket will do.
