It doesn’t fix anything – but it’s the only thing that feels like control.
I felt rushed all day.
Like I was always a step behind something
I couldn’t see.
⸻
Nothing was working.
Not distractions.
Not logic.
Not telling myself to move on.
⸻
But it didn’t really hit
until I got behind the wheel.
⸻
As soon as I sat down,
something switched.
⸻
That same restlessness.
That need to go.
⸻
Driving used to feel normal.
Now it feels like the only place
where I can do something with it.
⸻
I don’t just drive anymore.
I push it.
⸻
Faster than I should.
Pushing the car – and myself – closer to our limits than I’m comfortable admitting.
Like I can’t afford to slow down.
Not really thinking about what happens if I get it wrong.
⸻
There’s a part of me that knows exactly what I’m doing.
⸻
And another part
that just doesn’t care enough to stop.
⸻
It feels like control.
Or at least something that looks like it.
⸻
Everything outside feels unstable –
but in that moment,
I get to decide what happens next.
⸻
That’s the lie I tell myself.
⸻
Because I know I’m not in control.
⸻
I just haven’t lost it yet.
⸻
And that’s the line I keep coming back to.
⸻
Not crossing it.
Just getting close enough
to feel what it’s like.
⸻
Like if I stay right there –
right before things go wrong –
I can hold everything together.
⸻
I tell myself I wouldn’t let anything happen.
That I wouldn’t hurt anyone.
⸻
But the way I’m doing it…
doesn’t really leave room for that kind of certainty.
⸻
And still,
I keep going back.
⸻
There’s this pull
to sit behind the wheel again.
⸻
Like it’s the only place
where the noise in my head
turns into something I can actually feel.
⸻
Not better.
Not fixed.
⸻
Just… louder.
⸻
I’ve talked to people about it.
Tried to figure out what I’m supposed to do instead.
⸻
But nothing really sticks.
⸻
And that’s what bothers me the most.
⸻
Not that I feel like this –
but that this is the only thing
that comes close to managing it.
⸻
It’s the speed.
The uncertainty.
The unease.
⸻
All the things that should make it worse –
but somehow make everything else easier to ignore.
⸻
Even if it’s only temporary.
