What People With Really Big Penises Bring Up In Sex Therapy

Cultural messages, media, and societal expectations have long promoted the idea that a bigger penis equals greater attractiveness or power — what some call “big dick energy.”

This has led many of us to assume that people with larger penises are automatically skilled in bed. Research even suggests that in some sports environments, players with larger penises are idolized by teammates as symbols of masculinity, becoming a focal point for camaraderie and team bonding.

But when it comes to size, bigger doesn’t always mean better.

“Many of my clients with larger penises have shared a range of challenges, from personal discomfort to difficulties during penetrative sex with a partner,” Dr. Mindy DeSeta, Ph.D., a certified sexologist and sexuality educator at Hily Dating App, told HuffPost. “Every act of intimacy carries an emotional impact, especially when a physical aspect, like their anatomy, might unintentionally cause their partner pain or discomfort. It’s crucial both partners approach these situations with empathy, open communication, and patience, as these experiences deeply affect each person’s feelings, pleasure, and sense of connection.”

If you’ve ever wondered how people with seven-inch-and-over penises navigate the bedroom, here’s what they bring up in sex therapy, according to their therapists.

Penetration is an issue many clients raise, says DeSeta. “The average vaginal canal is only about two to four inches in length, so if the penis is much longer, it can bump against the cervix, which can be uncomfortable or even painful. Because of this, many sex positions simply don’t work well.”

Oral sex comes with its own set of challenges, such as choking or triggering the gag reflex, much more frequently than that experienced with average-sized penises. “My clients have shared that both penetrative sex and oral sex aren’t always as pleasurable as they’d like,” DeSeta shares. “Extra length can limit the number of comfortable positions and often means less stimulation along the entire penis, while extra girth can sometimes cause discomfort or even vaginal tearing.”

DeSeta suggests partners explore and experiment with positions that offer shallow penetration, such as reverse cowgirl, as well as woman-on-top, missionary, or spooning – basically, any position that helps limit the depth of penetration. She also recommends using lube. “Lube is helpful in any intimate situation,” DeSeta said. “When penetration involves a larger object, lubrication is crucial.” Though she does caution to be careful because “lube often speeds things up, accidentally causing the penis to slip in farther than desired. Avoid the slip and slide approach, and use lube sparingly!”

The common societal stigma that having a “big penis” automatically means amazing sex, “puts a lot of pressure…to perform and give their partner an out-of-this-world orgasm. These societal expectations often create performance anxiety, as many feel the need to live up to this ideal,” says DeSeta. “These expectations can increase their risk of sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction or even lead them to avoid sex altogether.”

According to DeSeta, people with bigger penises often experience a mix of emotions about their anatomy.

“On one hand, they feel pressure to live up to the societal expectations of impressive sexual performances, and on the other, they are worried about hurting their partner,” she explained. “This combination oftentimes leads to feelings of shame or being misunderstood.”

Dr. Rod Mitchell, a registered psychologist specializing in sex therapy and trauma recovery, says one of the more heartbreaking patterns he’s witnessed in therapy is how those with larger penis sizes have genuinely developed trauma from repeatedly causing their partners pain during sex.

“I call it an empathic injury,” Mitchell said. “Every time your partner winces or says ‘wait, that hurts,’ you’re absorbing a micro-trauma. These men carry around the weight of having hurt someone they love, over and over, with their own body.”

Mitchell explained that what might look like performance anxiety is actually a trauma response — their nervous system trying to prevent harm. “Your body treats repeated sexual discomfort or pain as a threat,” he said. “Guilt rewires your brain to see intimacy as dangerous, then anxiety kicks in before sex even starts, triggering a stress response that redirects blood away from your genitals.”

Others might finish in seconds because their bodies are trying to escape the threat. Either way, says Mitchell, the “failure” deepens the shame, and the cycle continues.

Maybe most surprisingly to learn is the shame that might come with having a larger penis.

“Everyone tells them they’re lucky, they should feel confident,” says Mitchell. “But then what actually shows up in the session is loneliness. You can’t talk about being scared of hurting the person you love because it sounds absurd to most people. So they internalize it, and that shame ends up being the real barrier.”

What ends up happening, says Mitchell, is often their partner senses something’s wrong, but they wrongly assume it’s about attraction or commitment, never realizing it’s about fear. “The real problem stays invisible and gets worse,” he added.

What helps them break this cycle, according to Mitchell, is naming their experience as trauma, not logistics.

“When I tell clients, ‘this is a psychological wound, not a mechanical problem,’ it reframes everything. We work on separating who they are from what their body does, then have honest conversations with partners about the fear they’ve been carrying. The breakthrough moment is often when a partner says, ‘I see how much you’ve been holding. Let’s solve this together.’ That breaks the isolation, and isolation is what keeps trauma alive.”

DeSeta emphasizes that it’s crucial for partners not to immediately slot someone with a larger penis into societal stereotypes.

“No matter what size anyone’s anatomy is, partners must have the sex talk and voice what they find pleasurable and what they don’t,” she says. “This is the perfect opportunity to show empathy and excitement toward someone who has a larger penis. Start by expressing that you’re looking forward to all the upcoming sexual exploration, and that open communication will only make the experience better and better.”

People with larger penises don’t necessarily have to “warn” their partners — DeSeta says that can feel awkward or even shameful — but there are a few key topics that should be discussed before jumping into bed.

“Good sex always starts with vulnerable communication,” DeSeta adds. “When a larger penis is involved, partners should openly talk about which positions feel best and which might be uncomfortable or even painful. Having a shared understanding and a flexible plan from the start can make the experience far more fun, creative, and pleasurable for both partners.”