We were just two midlifers in our 50s who met back in 2020 using a popular dating app. Bored, lonely and emerging from lockdown we jumped at the chance for an outing. We had our first date at a trendy, dimly-lit Japanese restaurant and bar in Sydney’s Surry Hills. By our second lychee martini, we became aware of some mutual connections that we knew and discovered that we had actually grown up in the same place.
There was an immediate feeling of familiarity and a shared sense of humour that clicked without effort. We were in no rush for anything too serious. In fact, it would take another five outings, including antique-trawling for some 70s-inspired crockery, before things would develop into more of a romantic connection.
You could say we’ve been dating ever since but, in modern parlance, I’m inclined to call it more of a “situationship” than a full-blown relationship because it’s not an “all-in” arrangement. I don’t think that is too uncommon these days – partnership norms have shifted over the past decade and some reports suggest that there’s even some kind of relationship recession out there.
The Oxford dictionary now describes a situationship as a romantic relationship in which the couple are not official partners. An example provided with this definition is “I’m trying to turn our situationship into something more serious”. I can identify with the definition part but not so much with the example part.
This well-used term is usually associated with non-commitment and can mean different things to different generations. The word, situationship, has been on the rise since the early noughties to denote insecurity in a connection. However, I think the reason this label is a fit for our arrangement is that despite being “committed partners” we run separate households and keep our finances separate.
I have my place in the mountains and he has his in the city. If there were a metaphor to describe a vehicle for riding through life, ours might be a vintage motorbike with a sidecar rather than a couple’s convertible or the winnebago of a family unit.
We take trips and vacations together, however we also have individual holidays interstate or overseas. I am not particularly concerned when he announces that he’s got a few weeks’ leave and would like to travel somewhere on his own – I’m usually busy with weekend markets anyway, or a line up of blog articles to write in my downtime.
We do Christmas celebrations separately but come back together for New Year’s Eve, birthdays and for beach holidays with games nights during the break.
I concluded early on in our relationship that we would probably always be more like “committed companions” than a full-blown relationship of interdependence. Perhaps the plastic tub I keep my clothes in at his place was the best clue. At a younger age this may have sent me into a spiral of insecurity, however, at this stage of life, my attitude is more like meh – whatever works.
It could just be a stage-of-life thing and, without drawing excessively on the psychoanalytics of it, attachment theory also probably has something to do with it. In addition, we both come from large families that we can fall back on for support in challenging times, which probably buoys the relationship in immeasurable ways.
In terms of marriage, I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I was 24 the first time I tied the knot and 28 the second time. At about 40, with two kids, I became single again and was just nudging the “grey divorce” age bracket.
Experts claim that the grey divorce phenomenon is not a spike but a shift as women think, “if not now then when?”
Menopause can also reframe the kind of relationship that works best for women. As relationship expert Esther Perel says, “most of us will have two or three marriages/ committed relationships in our lifetime – some of us will have them with the same person”.
A younger me may have dreamt of the ever-after of a long-term relationship with only one partner. However, the older I get, the more philosophical I become and I can see how relationships – failures and successes – have the power to transform us.
Maybe there is something to be said for living apart but together as a couple.
My current relationship, although less traditional, is probably the longest surviving one since my two marriages. Who knows, one day we might trade the motorbike and sidecar for the couple’s convertible or Winnebago and hit that open road of life together. Though, at the risk of sounding terribly Zen about it, until then I’m at peace with staying in the question.
