A recent poll from the American Psychiatric Association (APA) found that 30% of Americans said they feel lonely every week, and 10% of respondents said they feel lonely every day.
Why is it so hard for so many of us to find meaningful connection with others? And why does it feel like making friends as an adult is akin to completing one of the 12 labors of Hercules?
That’s what we — Raj Punjabi-Johnson and Noah Michelson, the hosts of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast — asked psychologist and University of Maryland professor Marisa Franco when she dropped by our studio.
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She revealed there are several factors that make it challenging to find and grow friendships when we’re adults, including an especially ironic one: our cellphones.
Though the loneliness epidemic began to ramp up in the 1950’s due to the popularity of television, which monopolized the time and energy we used to spend engaging with other people, Franco points to 2012 as another milestone for loneliness in our culture.
“That is when the smartphone became more widely used,” she noted. “That’s affecting us in many different ways. Instead of spending leisure time around other people, we have this other option that offers [people] parasocial interactions, where they feel connected, but it’s kind of like a snack instead of a meal of connection.”
Our cellphones have become such an integral part of our lives, they can disrupt our engagement with others — even if you aren’t looking at it or it’s not on.
“There’s an interesting study that found simply having a phone on the table decreases the quality of the conversation,” said Franco, the author of “Platonic: How the science of attachment can help you make — and keep — friends.”
“Even if you’re not using it — [even if] it’s literally just there, part of your brain is like, ‘Oh, my God, the phone is there,’ which results in there not being as much ‘depth or vulnerability’ to the interaction,” she explained.
Franco doesn’t think technology is inherently bad when it comes to connection and making friends, but she suggests we’re intentional with how and when we use it.
One potentially good way to harness its powers for friendship creation? Trying an app specifically designed to meet new people.
“What is nice about the apps is that it’s a pool of people who are available and invested in connection,” she said. “When you meet people in daily life, it’s like, ‘Oh, maybe they have young kids or maybe they feel like they already have their group [of friends],’ and so there’s that rejection that can come with that, that these people haven’t necessarily marked themselves as available.”
However, with apps dedicated to finding new friends, you know that the people you’re going to meet are definitely looking for connections.
“Everyone is showing up [on those apps] — from the jump — because they’re also looking for friends, so that barrier to entry isn’t there, whereas if you’re with a random stranger somewhere who might not be into [looking for a new friend, the potential isn’t there],” Michelson added.
Franco offered us a ton of other ideas about where to meet new people and how to deepen our burgeoning friendships, including how switching up the location of a meet-up can revolutionize a growing connection and the one place you definitely might want to avoid looking for friends.
From more from Franco, visit her website and follow her on Instagram @DrMarisaGFranco.
Have a question or need some help with something you’ve been doing wrong? Email us at AmIDoingItWrong@HuffPost.com, and we might investigate the topic in an upcoming episode.
