Maddy, 24
I would tell him about my hook-ups, including a threesome I’d had
Luke and I started as a one-night stand that was so drunken he fell off the bed. That was at university three and a half years ago; last month we got married.
We’re both Catholic, and he was a couple of years older, deeper in his faith and about to graduate when we met, so nothing came of it. We stayed friends, and I would tell him about my hook-ups, including a threesome I’d had, hoping it would make me seem interesting and available, but it actually put him off.
I had quite a lot of casual sex at university – I was having fun, but also chasing affirmation, reassurance that I was desirable. But I began to regret my promiscuity after reconnecting with my faith in my final year. I realised the sex hadn’t meant much to the people I’d had it with, and decided to wait until I was in a committed relationship.
Two years after our first encounter, I drunk-texted Luke to say I was in the city where he lived. We slept together, and spent the weekend together. I moved in with him three weeks later, and after four months, he proposed. We tried, and failed, to implement a no-sex-before-marriage rule; I wore pyjamas to bed, we stopped buying condoms, but none of it worked.
There’s pressure as newlyweds to constantly be at it, as if our relationship is defined by how much sex we’re having. We probably do it three to five times a week, but I wonder if we should be doing it every day. I have a higher sex drive than Luke, and still use sex for affirmation. So when he’s tired or not in the mood, my insecurities flare up. I worry that he was more attracted to the women he’s been with before. I ask: “Do you think she’s prettier than me?” He reassures me, but it doesn’t quieten the voice that says I’m not enough.
I hope I’ll get better at ignoring that voice, because I love life with Luke. I love that he only cares about things that have meaning and doesn’t care about the things that don’t. Now that we’re married, the sex feels freer. We recently had sex in a train toilet, which was gross, but a first for both of us. And now, we feel satisfied after sex, rather than like we’ve failed.
Luke, 26
That we know the people the other has been with means we both get insecure
My relationship with sex was never very positive. At university, casual sex and heavy drinking didn’t feel true to who I am. It left me feeling guilty. I’d have one-night stands, then go to confession. Now that Maddy and I are married and sex no longer carries that weight, I feel liberated. Sex as something to be enjoyed is completely new for me.
With Maddy it’s passionate and emotional. But the emotion comes first – I don’t have strong urges or see sex as a necessity. I even considered becoming a priest because I was comfortable with celibacy. Sometimes I worry I’m not sexual enough for Maddy. She says: we’re young, we’re married, we should be having sex every day.
As we know the people each other have been with, we both get insecure. I’ve heard the stories and can picture the scenarios. And because Maddy has explored more, I worry about being measured against her past experiences.
The first time Maddy and I slept together was the first time I’d had sex in two years. Our night together, although very fun, only reaffirmed my belief that sex was bad and reflected poorly on me. When we met again six months later, my commitment to celibacy had become quite negative – I was lonely and full of self-loathing. As Maddy told me about the sex she was having while also saying she wanted a relationship, I felt jealous and confused. But when we reconnected a year and a half ago, instead of overthinking, I knew I wanted to commit to Maddy.
After spending four years dancing around a relationship, it is everything we wanted it to be.
Marriage has given us the freedom to explore without guilt. For the first time, sex is fulfilling. Maddy is the only person in the world who understands who I am. Modern life can feel very hectic, but when we’re in bed talking after sex, everything slows down. It’s as though we’re the only people in the world.
