Kids are often more observant than many adults give them credit for.
It’s not just what we say to them directly that they’re absorbing; it’s how we talk about ourselves and others, what we say to others about them and how we behave, too.
We asked experts what sorts of things children pick up on that adults don’t always realize they’re noticing. This list isn’t designed to be judgmental; rather, it’s a reminder that we can all bring a little more awareness to our day-to-day interactions.
1. How you feel about your partner, co-parent or their other caregivers.
You may think you’re being subtle when you roll your eyes at your partner or shoot your father-in-law a dirty look. But kids can catch those nonverbal cues, said clinical psychologist Jazmine McCoy, who goes by @TheMomPsychologist on Instagram. They’re also capable of picking up on criticism or negative remarks about the other parent or caregivers in their life, even when you may try to mask them as jokes or sarcasm, she told HuffPost.
“Kids notice these dynamics, so try your best to speak highly of the other parent and caregivers around your child — even if they’re in another room,” McCoy said. “They probably still can hear you.”
This is important regardless of your relationship with these people. Why? It helps the child feel safe, confident and cared for, more emotionally connected to their caregivers and less anxious, McCoy said.
She offered a few examples of the kinds of things you’d want your child to overhear you saying about the other adults in your kid’s life: “Wow, Mommy planned a fun adventure for us!” or “This dinner came out great. Daddy is a great chef!” or “Aww, this looks like such a great memory you had with grandma. It was so nice of her to take you there.”
2. How you feel about your body.
Children are “astutely aware” of how adults talk about their own bodies and other people’s bodies, said registered dietitian Alyssa Miller of the @nutrition.for.littles Instagram account. And they can read our body language, too.
“They can pick up on subtle — and not-so-subtle — actions, drawing conclusions about bodies,” she told HuffPost. “They learn what is considered good and bad, desirable and undesirable.”
They observe the way you look at yourself in the mirror and can make inferences from that. They notice if you never wear a bathing suit at the pool, if you delete lots of pictures of yourself or avoid getting in front of the camera altogether, Miller said.
“Adults are constantly showing kids how to view their own bodies through their everyday actions,” she said. “Think about it: No baby or toddler is embarrassed by their belly, their thighs or their height until they hear comments or witness someone else being insecure about it.”
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3. What you actually value.
“Kids notice what you actually value based on what you say and do. This is sometimes different from what you say you value,” said clinical psychologist Laura Markham, author of “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids” and founder of the site Aha! Parenting.
For example, you might tell your kid that sports are really about teamwork, learning new skills and having a good time with your friends.
“But then when you pick them up after the game, your first question is, ‘Who won?’” Markham told HuffPost.
You’ve probably told your child time and time again how important it is to be honest, “but then you have them fib about their age to get a cheaper entrance fee at the amusement park,” she added.
Children learn values by observing your behavior and then drawing conclusions about what you believe is important, Markham said.
“Regardless of what you consciously teach them, your children will emerge from childhood with clear views on what their parents really value, and with a well-developed value system of their own,” she added. “We need to articulate our values to ourselves and then our kids ― not just once, but over and over, applying those values to the daily dilemmas our child faces.”
4. Your self-compassion (or lack thereof).
“One thing I’ve noticed time and again is that while different kids have different temperaments, their ability to give and receive grace and compassion often mirrors the adults around them,” Miller said.
If your child is beating themself up over a mistake at school, you might comfort your child by imploring that they not take it so hard. But if you have a tendency to handle setbacks in this manner, too, your child has taken note of that.
“Kids pick up on how adults handle mistakes, their self-talk, unrealistic expectations and perfectionistic tendencies,” Miller said.
“Many people who lack self-compassion or are hard on themselves inadvertently teach kids to be critical and harsh with themselves,” she said. “Conversely, adults who are gentle with themselves, admit mistakes and move past them teach kids resilience and to use mistakes as learning opportunities.”
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5. Your relationship with food.
Kids are paying attention to the eating habits of the adults in their lives as well as the way they speak about food. Parents and other caregivers “directly influence” the food choices children make and the beliefs they develop about foods, Miller said.
“Innocent comments like ‘Those are dangerous’ around a plate of cookies, labeling foods as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ skipping meals or expressing guilt about eating are all observed and internalized by children,” she added.
Over time, such comments and behaviors shape a child’s relationship with food, “potentially leading to unhealthy eating habits or attitudes,” Miller said.
“Research shows that kids tend to eat the same foods their parents do, both as children and as adults,” she said. “By modeling a balanced and positive approach to food, adults can help children develop healthy eating habits and a healthy relationship with food.”
6. How you talk about your kid to other adults.
Let’s say your child just had an epic meltdown at Target. When you get home, you fill in your partner about what just happened in the form of sarcastic comments about the “amazing morning you two just had” or jokes about the incident, thinking it’s probably going over your kid’s head.
“They may not know what it all means, but they can pick up the fact that you think negatively about what happened, and this can negatively impact their self-esteem and relationship with you,” McCoy said.
When you’re talking to a friend, relative or co-parent, whether on the phone or in person, about something that happened with your kid, be mindful about the language you use, McCoy advised.
“Speak to the lesson learned or how you solved the problem versus focusing on the mistake or problem,” she said. “Pretend you’re talking to your child and speak to your partner about your child how you would to them directly.”
